The Von Trapp Children, Ranked

Ben Pobjie
3 min readJun 27, 2021
  1. Brigitta. There should not be any dispute over this. Brigitta introduces herself with wit and confidence, complimenting Fraulein Maria on her intelligence and insulting her dress sense, proving that she is a girl willing to give credit where it’s due but not one to stay quiet when she sees wrong being done, in this case in the form of Maria’s hideous dress. Brigitta is feistier and more outspoken than her younger sisters, while also being much more convincing as a real human being than most of her older siblings. She’s also clearly the star performer of the puppet show. Overall, Brigitta is everything a Von Trapp should be.
  2. Liesl. Liesl is in many ways the young woman you hope Brigitta will grow up to be. Able to conduct intelligent conversations with adults, she is an understanding and loving support to her father and stepmother, and has a fierce independence that sadly many of her damp squibs of siblings lack. She’s also pretty hot. Liesl might well have been the top of this list were it not for her unfortunate desire to have sex with Nazis, which loses her a couple of points.
  3. Friedrich. One of two Von Trapp boys, Friedrich is a lot less manly than he might’ve been, but it’s not his fault he has to wear shorts all the time. He claims to be “impossible”, but throughout the narrative Maria actually finds him almost entirely possible. He talks a big game but is still scared of thunder. However he has the voice and face of an angel and you get the sense he’s doing his best. As a Von Trapp son, he also has one huge advantage: at least he’s not Kurt.
  4. Louisa. Louisa is just kind of…there, isn’t she?
  5. Kurt. He can count himself lucky his two younger sisters are so appalling, because in any other family Kurt would be the worst child by some distance. He is a horrid, slimy little wet fish of a boy. He claims to be incorrigible at the start, but within seconds we know we have seen more incorrigible organisms growing in window boxes. Whenever he opens his mouth anyone within earshot develops a powerful urge to punch him in the face. Exactly the kind of smarmy crawling stickybun-faced creep that you always prayed you wouldn’t get stuck sitting next to in maths, you wouldn’t have put it past him to sell the family out to the Nazis to guarantee his own safety. It’s significant that it’s Kurt who Maria forgets when she’s saying her prayers: even the saintly governess really would rather he didn’t exist.
  6. Marta. Kurt is horrible but at least he leaves…
Ben Pobjie

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