The Bachelorette Recap: The Hollowness Of All
Previously on The Bachelorette: we lost the only possible reason for this show to exist, ie watching Sam insult Rhys over and over and over again.
Tonight on The Bachelorette: who cares, there’s no point anymore. Sam’s gone, everyone sucks.
Anyway, let’s plough on even though our hearts are empty.
The bachelors sit around in the kitchen discussing who will get the next single date and wondering why Jake is still there and who Jake is. TAFKAAG comes in to leave an envelope and scurry back to his burrow. The card in the envelope reads, “Step back in time with me”, causing the men to speculate on whether the date might be a museum or “dress-ups”, because they know enough about this show to know that something as appalling as dress-ups is always a possibility.
The man chosen for the date is Matty J. I think we can just call him Matty now, because I think the other Matt went home. Although in a way, Jake is a Matt, being forgettable and bland. Anyway, Georgia wants to explore her feelings for Matty by “stepping back in time”, according to the cue card she’s reading off.
“Stepping back in time” means, for a start, driving a really old car. “I think I was born in another time,” says Georgia, confusingly — does she think she’s really old? What she’s saying is — possibly — that she has a great affinity for the olden days, because she loves vintage aesthetics and styles and also she wishes she didn’t have the right to vote.
The old timey car takes them to the Seadeck, which is a boat. They have the boat all to themselves, because God forbid anyone on these shows ever go on a date with other people present. The eerie sense that you dwell in a post-apocalyptic wasteland is crucial to romance in the eyes of the producers.
The Seadeck is a luxurious boat where you can sit and drink and listen to an annoying band and watch a couple of randoms dancing, so I guess Georgia was lying when she said they had it all to themselves? Georgia informs Matty that the dancers will be teaching them how to dance, which terrifies Matty and rightly so. Georgia is absolutely delighted that Matty hates the idea of dance lessons: the misery of others is her only sustenance.
I have to say, the “step back in time” thing is really being stretched here. Georgia apparently thinks people in historical times were constantly taking dance lessons on boats. It is swing dancing, I suppose. Although looking at what they’re actually doing, it doesn’t really seem to be swing dancing at all. It reminds me a lot of that time the little dweeb taught the other little dweeb to dance on Degrassi Junior High, except less romantic.
I miss Sam. How great it would be if Sam showed up on the boat and called Matty a fuckstick.
So that night they…kind of have another date? Doesn’t seem fair, really — but they get changed and go back to the boat and do some “swing” dancing. “It feels so right,” says Georgia, proving that sometimes feelings are wrong. Matt and Georgia seem to be falling for each other. “It literally feels like you’ve gotta pinch me right now,” says Matty, and he’s right — inflicting pain on him would be extremely satisfying.
Georgia tells Matty that he lights up a room, but doesn’t specify whether he can light up a boat. Matty tells Georgia he’s glad she picked him for this date. Matty says some extremely vague things about feelings, and Georgia gets all emotional and says that Matty makes her feel like she’s the only girl in the world, so we’re still on that weird apocalypse fetish.
Then they clamp onto each other’s faces for a bit and it’s gross and she gives him a rose so he gets to stay around while she pashes some other dudes to see which one makes her feel the most like the survivor of a global pandemic.
The next day TAFKAAG gathers the five non-Matty bachelors outside an old house and tells them “there’s an old saying, love is blind: today we’re going to find out whether Georgia Love is blind”.
This is very confusing: does he mean that they’re going to give her an eye test? I mean it’s been quite well established that she’s not blind: she’s been seeing things all series. Does TAFKAAG intend to poke Georgia in the eyes? What the hell is going on?
Ah, I see: by “is Georgia Love blind?” he means, “let’s do a weird pointless thing with a bunch of old men.” So five old men are brought in and everyone has a good laugh about how revoltingly ugly they are. Georgia has to “speed date” these old bastards, who have to repeat lines fed to them by one of the bachelors. It is quite convoluted and of no value whatsoever in terms of either romance or entertainment. It does, however, provide the revelation that Clancy is just as bad at talking to an old man via a microphone as he is talking in person. Also, Georgia spends the entire time giggling because the thought of an old man being attractive to a woman is hilarious to her. Also, the old men are hard of hearing and keep saying the wrong thing. Because Georgia Love is blind and old men are deaf?
Anyway Clancy gets eliminated — apparently this is one of those group dates where you get eliminated? — because he was very bad at saying things to his old man. The second round of this stupid crap is the four remaining bachelors have to write a love letter to Georgia.
Again, we feel the pain of the loss of Sam. It would’ve been fantastic for him to be on this date, writing a letter exclusively devoted to explaining what a piece of shit Rhys is.
The bachelors must read their letters aloud, BUT not their own: they have to read someone else’s! What a twist! This will really make things…well, not interesting, exactly. But…something.
Courtney reads the first letter. “I knew it was mine straight away,” says Jake, and…well yeah. I mean he just wrote it five minutes ago. Obviously he’s going to know it was his. Is that really worth noting out loud?
Everyone seems to think Jake’s letter is pretty good, but I couldn’t really tell, too focused on how much I don’t care about Jake in any way. The next letter is Lee’s and it’s over very quickly which is probably pretty telling.
Then Jake reads Cam’s letter. Cam has drawn a stupid picture at the end of his stupid letter and Georgia thinks this is adorable because she’s the worst.
The last letter is Courtney’s and he has written a poem, just like Rhys used to do, apparently in an effort to trigger Georgia’s PTSD.
Georgia must now choose which letter was the shittiest, and she decides it was Courtney’s, because I mean duh, he wrote a poem and it was awful, as are all poems that have ever been written on The Bachelorette.
Next in this increasingly idiotic sexual obstacle course is dancing. Dancing blindfolded. This is to test…god I don’t know. Whether Georgia can recognise a man just by the feel of his erection pressing against her, I guess? Something like that.
It just makes me feel so weary.
Anyways Georgia dances with them and they all breathe heavily in her ear and dry hump her a bit and it’s all very romantic assuming your idea of romance is something that is the exact opposite of romance.
She chooses Guy Number Two, because he felt comfortable, like a body pillow or a well-maintained nursing home. Guy Number Two is Cam, so he gets to go get pissed with Georgia while she pretends all that amazing connection stuff with Matty never happened.
Georgia and Cam have a deep and meaningful conversation that is nowhere near as fun as listening to Sam call Rhys a pretzel. Georgia tells Cam he makes her feel special. “It’s something I haven’t felt before,” she lies — I doubt Georgia has spent a second of her entire life not feeling like the most special princess in all the world.
It’s time for the cocktail party, which is never a good sign. Georgia takes Matty away for a chat and possibly a quick handjob. Then she takes Lee away. Then Jake. Her wrist will be getting quite sore.
When it comes time for the rose ceremony there is a palpable sense of indifference in the air. Who will get a rose? Who won’t get a rose? How is it possible to form any kind of preference? Is Jake seriously still on this show?
TAFKAAG comes in and lowers the energy of the room as usual, and then Georgia makes her selections.
First rose goes to Lee for being sexy and not making too much noise at night.
Second rose goes to Jake because Georgia is just impressed by the fact he’s still there despite having made no impression whatsoever on anyone.
Third rose goes to Courtney for…well, who knows really. I think he’s still living off the pasta bracelet.
And the final rose goes to Cam in recognition of his ability to be better than Clancy in every conceivable way.
And so Clancy goes home to regrow his beard and find a woman who is less fixated on launching her breakfast radio career.
Tune in next week when oh god the horror the horror.
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