The Bachelorette Recap: Leaves of Ass

Previously on The Bachelorette, former pop star and completely uninterested in using a dating show for career advancement woman Sophie Monk met eighteen lunatics who lack the ability to meet women in any non-televised setting. Everyone was a dickhead, but some more than others, particularly psychopath Ryan, douchebag Blake, and weird crying limping man-child Jourdan. Then two men we knew nothing about went home.

Tonight on The Bachelorette: a big bunch of stupid bullcrap, probably. Let’s see.

We begin at the mansion, where the men who got up early get to sit on chairs and the ones who got up late have to sit on the stairs. Sam is worried that he has a target on his back because he got the double delight rose, and for some reason not worried about the fact he still hasn’t worked out how to brush his hair. Meanwhile Blake is intensely jealous of Sam and his double delight rose, because he believes that as the Bachelor who most closely resembles the villain from the movie Step Brothers, he deserved the rose.

Also Jourdan’s leg is in a cast thingy. He says he had an accident, but it’s entirely possible he had a bad dream about hurting his leg and is convinced it really happened.

Anyway TAFKAAG shows up with an envelope and in the envelope is an invitation to a solo date, and the recipient of the solo date is Jarrod, who you might remember as the farmer who greeted Sophie by making her stomp on grapes and whose only previous long-term physical relationship was with an alpaca. Everyone congratulates Jarrod, except for Blake, who can’t figure out why the show is still being filmed when it’s so obvious that Sophie has already chosen him

Speaking of Sophie, she is sitting in the stands at Spotless Stadium, home ground of the GWS Giants, reflecting on how she wants a down-to-earth Aussie bloke who loves her for her and and possibly to play Paula Duncan in a new miniseries about the making of Cop Shop.

With Bindi Irwin as Gil Tucker

The date that Sophie and Jarrod are on consists of climbing a light tower at the stadium and then travelling across the ground on a highwire, because it’s easier to get to know someone at elevation. Sophie wants to see if Jarrod can be her protector, because she’s scared of heights. Jarrod is also scared of heights, having spent most of his life lying in mud. So they can protect each other. Or maybe they can just scream at each other for a bit.

Back at the mansion a card arrives with details of a group date. Eden — remember him? Nah me either — reads out the names of the men going on the group date. To Blake’s relief, he gets to go on the group date and doesn’t have to spend another day masturbating in front of the mirror. Sam is also on the group date, but doesn’t want to be: he’s afraid that if Sophie sees him in the company of other men too often, she’ll notice just how much better they all are at doing their own hair.

At the stadium, Sophie is regretting choosing this particular date — or more accurately, she’s regretting signing a contract specifying that the producers will be organising every date with no input from her whatsoever. Then again, by this stage of her career, Sophie has to be used to regrets. Partway across the ground, she has a panic attack, crying, “My seat’s gone!” which could be misinterpreted and isn’t even true, and begs to go back. Jarrod is actually quite impressive in this bit, playing the calm comforting role to perfection despite the fact that he’s shitscared himself. They go back, and Sophie declares Jarrod to be her “hero”. So I guess Jarrod has won the show. Or such would be the conclusion, were it not for the fact that Jarrod lacks one thing: Blake’s sculpted eyebrows.

“Most guys would’ve pressured me to finish the course,” says Sophie, impressed that Jarrod never allowed himself to have high expectations of her. But she’s definitely lucky that she picked Jarrod for this date: if she’d picked Jourdan he would’ve started crying halfway up the tower and thrown himself off the wire. If she’d picked Ryan he would have thrown her off the wire.

“It’s what I do.”

After the aborted wire ride, Jarrod and Sophie have lunch and a very boring conversation about feelings. Then Sophie asks him to accept a rose, and in a shock twist, he does. Then they have a really long gross kiss, and it’s incredibly romantic to think about all the other men she will shortly be kissing in exactly the same way.

“It’s definitely possible I could fall in love here,” says Jarrod. He probably means with Sophie, but it’s impossible to be sure.

Back at the mansion, it’s night time and all the men are still hanging around with each other. Do they stay together the whole time? Do they get any alone time? It’s a really weird dynamic they’ve got going here. Some guy whose face I don’t recognise tries to undermine Sam’s confidence by asking him if he’s worried that he wasn’t chosen for the first date. It works, because Sam has spent the whole day undermining his own confidence, as demonstrated by the lines on his forehead and the emotionally turbulent shape of his hair.

Jarrod arrives home and says he got a “kiss goodbye”, which is a goddamn filthy lie by omission. Blake is amused at how smitten Jarrod is after one date, and how he still seems to think that he has a chance even though Blake is quite clearly in the vicinity. Blake is sure that the kiss Jarrod got was just a peck on the cheek, as opposed to the full-body lick-down that women usually give Blake after a first date.

Sam is angry that Jarrod is trying to give the other men advice. “We know how to date!” he explodes to camera, in a way that tells you he definitely does not know how to date.

Oh I think the guy who tried to psych Sam out was James. Maybe.

It’s next day and the group daters are going to do a photo shoot with Sophie. This is because research has shown that it’s easiest to know if a man is “the one” if you take part in a photo shoot with him before finding out anything about him.

The theme of the shoot is famous couples throughout history. Although history” is a slight stretch: the first scene is Ares and Aphrodite, two deities that do not exist. The part of Ares is played by Apollo, which is a confusing sentence to write. They are accompanied by two adorable cherubs — or as they inaccurately call them, “Cupids” — played by Ryan and Harry, Harry being chosen because he looks like he’s eight, and Ryan being chosen because Ryan deserves humiliation.

Apollo is extremely muscular and attractive and the other Bachelors are jealous of his godly physique, while Apollo himself just seems happy to be there and concentrating on making sure everyone has some good clean fun and remain the best of friends.

The next shoot is Robin Hood and Maid Marian, two more people who did not exist in history. Sam will be playing Robin Hood, which is apt because in the Middle Ages hair styling technology was very poor. James plays the part of Friar Tuck, denoting the fact that Sophie sees James as a fat comic relief idiot.

James’s amazing transformation

In his Robin Hood costume, Sam looks vaguely like a little-known Hemsworth brother, the one who drives the others to their auditions and waits in the car. Sophie is much more impressed by James, who in his horrible Friar Tuck costume makes her laugh, which is important to Sophie because she likes laughable men. But Sam puts into play his patented seduction technique: repeatedly telling a woman that you’re staring at her tits. Weirdly, it doesn’t see to be working all that well. Sophie sits on James for a photo, and enjoys it more than women usually enjoy sitting on monks.

Hey: monk; Sophie Monk. Just got that. Why didn’t they make lots of jokes on these lines?

“I didn’t think he had that good a sense of humour,” Sophie says of James, which is quite a revelation, that even after talking to him for forty-five seconds, she didn’t get a full insight into the breadth and depth of his personality. Sam is insanely jealous, scarcely able to believe that James’s schlubby charm impressed Sophie more than his suave sexual harassment.

Next shoot is Bonnie and Clyde, who were at least real people. Jourdan, of course, plays Clyde, who was famous for robbing banks while wearing a moon boot. Brett, Hayden and Bingham play three police officers in the background, reflecting nicely their role on the show itself as extras. “I’ve chosen a very eclectic bunch of guys for this shoot,” says Sophie, and she has: they run the gamut from forgettable to insane. The Bonnie and Clyde photo shoot is over pretty quickly, because who really wants to spend time watching Jourdan throw money feebly into the air? Most of it is taken up listening to Sam and Blake take turns explaining why Jourdan is definitely not Sophie’s type.

It is now time for Blake to star in the Adam and Eve shoot — two more people who did not exist. Blake and Sophie are dressed scantily in leaves, which means we are forced to look at Blake’s buttocks, a sight that honestly nobody except Blake himself enjoys. The shoot is very erotic, or to put it another way, nauseating. It seems very likely that Blake is about to shove his hand down Sophie’s leaves.

So hot.

“This shoot is the hottest thing ever,” says Sophie, which is a big claim coming from someone who starred in the music video for “Poison”. The heat between the pair is palpable, and Sophie has taken very little time at all to forget Jarrod. As the other Bachelors look on, Sam once again switches to his default setting: getting pissy because on a show about a woman hanging out with lots of men, she is.

That night at the mansion, Jarrod is excited to see Sophie again, under the impression that the connection that he felt while on the date still exists and not knowing that since he last saw her, Sophie rubbed up against Blake to completion. Sam contemptuously observes that Jarrod has fallen too hard, which is great coming from the guy who bursts into tears and writes ten pages in his journal every time Sophie shakes hands with someone else.

The Bachelors sit around and discuss matters of the heart while Sophie has a deep and meaningful conversation with some guy called “Jefferson”. This conversation is so interesting that we don’t get to hear any of it.

The real action is with the men, who are angry at Jarrod for wanting more alone time with Sophie even though he already had a single date and has a rose. They find it selfish and disrespectful to the other guys. “I’m not going to marry the other guys!” Jarrod boldly predicts.

When Jarrod, in defiance of his competitors’ wishes, does sit down one on one with Sophie, he thanks her for the date, while she thinks about Blake’s buttocks and touches herself. Jarrod gives her a special gift of Ugg boots, enraging Blake, who gave her Ugg boots on the first night. Sophie doesn’t ind, as she loves Ugg boots and hopes to build a vast collection of them as she slowly spirals into madness in the coming years.

Tension is rising. “That’s fucking original!” Blake spits at Jarrod, apoplectic with fury that his Ugg thunder has been stolen. Jarrod insists he had the Ugg boots with him from the very start, and to be fair, when exactly does Blake think he bought them? They’re imprisoned in this candle-infested panopticon, aren’t they? But Blake is not going to be mollified: all his life he has known that the ugly people are out to get him, and this proves it.

Time for the rose ceremony, where Blake seethes, Sam frets, Jarrod gloats, and Jourdan builds UFOs out of his own earwax. With fifteen Bachelors yet to receive a rose, and only fourteen roses, the maths are simple, although Hayden probably still can’t figure them out.

Apollo looks worried. “I feel like Sophie’s only seen the tip of the iceberg with me,” he says. Fortunately, Sophie likes it when a man gives her just the tip.

James gets a rose for being a funny little fat brown monk.

Brett gets a rose even though Sophie is not at all sure who he is.

Eden gets a rose because he has tonight’s shiniest beard.

Luke gets a rose because he’s getting on and has few pleasures in life.

Ryan gets a rose because Sophie wants to find out just how big a scumbag he can be.

Blake gets a rose because Sophie craves the D.

Apollo gets a rose because he rides the fiery chariot of the sun across the sky every day.

Pete gets a rose because otherwise he wouldn’t have been on screen tonight at all.

Harry gets a rose because he reminds Sophie of her baby nephew.

Mack gets a rose because Sophie wants to hear what other terrible songs he can play.

Sam gets a rose because Sophie intends to drag out this exquisite psychological torture for as long as possible.

Hayden gets a rose because every woman needs a wacky sidekick.

Jefferson gets a rose because earlier in the evening he gave Sophie fifty bucks.

Bingham gets a rose because Sophie is pretty sure he’s her butler.

It’s down to Bingham and Jourdan. Who will she pick: the skinny oddball with the polo pony who she doesn’t really remember but is fairly sure he’s her butler; or the weird vacant guy who blindfolded her on their first meeting and looks like he sniffs photo processing fluid for fun? Hard to say.

Oh she chose Bingham. There you go. Jourdan limps sadly away, having not found love but at least going home with a serious injury. Back he goes to whatever facility is looking for him.

Tune in next week when Sophie’s family shows up and it’s pretty stupid.

Please support my recapping endeavours by chucking a buck or two my way via my Patreon. Keep independent reality show snark alive!

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