The Bachelorette Recap: A Whole New World
Previously on The Bachelorette: Georgia got angry at Courtney because Courtney decided to be considerate to a friend and spent a whole three seconds not obsessively trying to bang her. Also an Italian man wandered into the house and immediately left.
Tonight on The Bachelorette: Sam continues to abuse his fellow men, hopefully.
We begin with the men sitting around discussing the intrusion of Todd, the guitar sap. Sam does not fear Todd at all, but then Sam does not fear anyone at all, because he doesn’t care whether he wins this show or not: the only reason he wants to stay in the house is so he can insult Rhys some more.
A single date is brought by Osher, who leaves as hurriedly as he can because all the handsome men make him feel self-conscious. The date will be with Cameron, who is that fireman guy who likes Aladdin. All the Bachelors have a laugh about Cam being in the friendzone, but I don’t think Georgia does friends. Not with men, anyway. I think every man to Georgia is either her boyfriend, or scum like Courtney who thinks about other people occasionally.
Anyway, Cam meets Georgia in a field, where she has a “themed date” planned. The theme is Disney because they both love Disney movies and ruining dates with stupid themes. It begins on a “magic carpet”, or as many of us call it, a carpet.
Cam starts the date by telling Georgia how everyone makes fun of him for being in the friendzone. This sets “alarm bells” ringing for Georgia, who finds it difficult to be attracted to a man who has a thought that is exactly the same thought that she just had.
Then they go up in a helicopter, just like Aladdin did.
Back at the house, Rhys is toning his calves on an exercise bike and chatting to some dude on a treadmill. I think it’s one of the fourteen or fifteen Matts currently in the mansion. They’re worried that maybe Georgia won’t be into Cam. Or I should say they’re “worried”. If I were Rhys I’d worry more about the powerful vagina-drying properties of my poetry, but then if I were Rhys I would not go out in public.
Continuing the terrible date, Georgia and Cam run into some dalmatians, like in the movie 101 Dalmatians. Cam gets on the ground and starts rolling around with the dogs because he read in a book once that women are aroused by men acting like infants. And it seems to work — Georgia apparently genuinely finds a man lying down and playing with puppies sexy. After what happened with Courtney I’d assumed she’d start screaming at him for putting the puppies’ needs before hers.
Rhys brings in a group date card that reads, “It’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt”, suggesting that Georgia plans to invade their homes and torture their families. Courtney is one of the men invited on the group date, getting another chance to demonstrate to her that he really is capable of ignoring anyone’s feelings but hers.
Meanwhile Georgia and Cam sit down next to a fire in the woods, which is a reference to…I don’t know, The Fox and the Hound? They discuss the issue of the friendzone. Cam assures Georgia that he could never be friends with her, and she assures him that she’d like nothing more than to fuck him on a bed of dalmatians.
They then kiss for an unnecessarily long time. Like, way longer than anyone in a Disney movie ever has. Then Georgia gives Cam a rose, a la The Jungle Book, and tells him she wants to know more about him and see what other mammals he can fondle in the dirt.
Next day, the group date. It involves “extreme sports”, which is a term meaning, “dumb things that aren’t sport”. Todd is confident because he’s fairly flexible and plays the guitar etc.
Todd is the captain of one team and Sam is the captain of another. Rhys is pretty jealous of Sam and indicates this by saying something incredibly lame that he thinks is funny. To prepare for the challenge, Sam puts on a headband and arranges his hair to look like Rhys and I don’t know if that’s as funny as I think it is, or if it’s just that every time Rhys gets insulted in any way it is amusing by default.
The first task is dragon boats or something that looks kind of like dragon boats. As usual, Georgia doesn’t get to participate, because even though in The Bachelor Richie got to join in all the time, Georgia is a girl and so she can’t involve herself in physical activity.
The blue team wins the dragon boat thing for what that’s worth (nothing).
The second task is wrestling, so everyone takes their shirts off and gets slathered in oil. Then Georgia reveals that only one guy from each team has to wrestle, and makes some creepy comments and laughs like a psychopath.
The wrestle is Rhys versus one of the Matts and they’re doing it in some kind of barn. Matt wins because Rhys was weakened before the match by the powerful orgasm he had when he caught sight of his own abs. Not only does Rhys lose, he suffers a painful shoulder injury, which causes him extreme discomfort and us extreme laughter.
“I don’t hold it against Matty,” says Rhys. Nobody thought he would. No reasonable person would. Only a real shitheel would. But Rhys wants us to know that he didn’t, because gee whiz he’s generous. After receiving medical treatment Georgia comforts Rhys at great risk to herself, but she gets lucky: Rhys doesn’t try to read her a poem.
Back at the house, there’s another single date card, maybe to make up for the group date that was cut short by Rhys’s moist malingering.
The single date is awarded to someone called “Matty J”, so it’s nice to find out he’s there. Georgia likes Matty J because he always looks happy to see her, and she’s never met anyone like that before.
Georgia takes Matty J to play croquet. “I love croquet!” cries Matty J, which is deeply weird, especially because he’s not lying. The obvious conclusion was that Georgia was setting him a test, and that if he said he loved croquet, she would kick him out immediately. But actually they’re actually going to play actual croquet.
So they play croquet, and talk about how Matty J was cocky when they first met and how actually he was very nervous and how Georgia is funny and acts like a big kid, and how Matty J is really attracted to big kids and how that’s not a red flag in any way.
After the irritating croquet game it’s time for an irritating conversation. Georgia tells Matty J that he always brings something to the table, thus obeying the producers’ orders that nothing she ever says on camera should mean anything.
Then they kiss and etc.
Cocktail party time and the men engage in agonising banter while Rhys adjusts his sling. Georgia arrives and Jake says she looks more beautiful every time he sees her, which is poignant because she’s forgotten his name. She takes Rhys off to “check his shoulder”, which I assume means fingering.
Matty J then has a fun time being quizzed by the other man about how worrying it is that he didn’t get a rose even though Georgia sucked his face off.
Meanwhile Georgia gives Rhys a new sling and Sam pulls a face. There seems a bit of danger of Rhys winning Georgia over via her caring instincts, but luckily, Rhys reads her a poem, destroying any chance of that happening.
Rhys’s poem mentions the concept of “men and boys” that he talked about last episode, and Georgia demands to know who he’s talking about and Rhys pretends he doesn’t want to tell her but gosh darn it, guess she just dragged it out of him!
So Rhys tells Georgia all about how Sam is a big jerk, and Georgia thanks him for his honesty and Rhys speaks in what he probably thinks is a noble manner about how he just “doesn’t want to see her hurt” and you might have thought he couldn’t be a bigger creep than when he’s reading poetry, but he totally can. The whole, “Oh allow me to drop some subtle hints about how some of the boys suck, but ooooh no I couldn’t tell you who they are, never ever ever ever OK I guess I will” thing…Jesus I could vomit.
Then something really freaking weird happens, as Cam picks up Todd’s guitar and starts playing and starts singing and then EVERYONE starts singing. Every single Bachelor has written a verse of the song to Georgia and they all sing the chorus together and Georgia loves it because as we learned early on, she really enjoys awful things. After the song, a real calm descends on the earth, as if God himself has decided that life no longer means anything and this great experiment called the universe has reached its devastating end.
The amazing thing is, they must’ve got together and worked really hard on that. They must’ve REHEARSED. What sort of people are we dealing with here?
So rose time, and while many women would have listened to that song and demanded they all get the hell out of her life, Georgia will instead hand out nine roses, and one man will leave.
“I’d hate for my input to be the only reason Sam will go home,” Rhys lies. He’s so smug I don’t know how anyone in the room refrains from kicking him in the stomach.
First rose goes to Matty. Not sure which one.
Second rose goes to Jake, whose name she reads off her hand.
Third rose goes to Rhys, because he has a sore shoulder and Georgia has a soft spot for creepy rats.
Fourth rose goes to Lee, so on ya for hanging in there.
Fifth rose goes to Courtney because he hasn’t once this episode indicated that he gives a shit about his friends.
Sixth rose goes to Sam, so shove that up your dickhole, Rhys.
Seventh rose goes to Todd, who owns a guitar.
Eighth rose goes to Clancy, his smooth chin continuing its winning streak.
Ninth rose goes to…Matt. The one who isn’t the other one I guess.
This means Ryan goes home, a result that leaves many viewers almost feeling an emotion.
Tune in next week when Rhys and Sam have a fight and a whole bunch of men are punished for their hubris.
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