The Bachelor Recap: Thank God Almighty, We’re Free At Last
Previously on The Bachelor, Richie was given the greatest gift of all: three women; before Keira called Kiki a peasant and Megan had a surprising flash of self-awareness and ran for her life.
Tonight, Keira asks the intruders how they’re feeling, by which she means, “why don’t you drop dead?” Rachael is annoyed and thinks the intruders need to respect the other women: there’s not a hell of a lot of justification for this claim, to be honest. I mean, nobody respects these women, including themselves.
TAFKAAG shows up, and demonstrates the ability to pull an envelope out of his pocket that he has honed over countless hours of practice. He tells the women that Richie has organised another single date, and they dutifully respond by not saying out loud that they know Richie has never organised a damn thing in his entire life. As usual, all the women are eager to know whether they will finally get to go in a hot-air balloon. Also as usual, Keira is bitching about not having had a single date yet even though she actually has.
Anyway the single date goes to Olena, who has already had a single date, a development which causes Keira to lick her teeth in consternation and Alex to start to panic and sneak some more cutlery out of the kitchen under her shirt in preparation for her final act of revenge.
Richie wants another date with Olena because she kept asking him questions on their first date, but whenever he asked her anything she told him he’d have to file a FOI request. He shows up to pick her up in a jet, which naturally he has hired and paid for himself, as always. “I love to enjoy the finer things in life,” Richie admits — things like food, talking, water, t-shirts, etc.
Richie tells Olena that a relationship should be built on honesty: he’s wrong there. Olena is delighted to know that Richie is willing for her to ask any questions she likes, as basically all she wants to do in life is to ask a constant unending stream of questions of people.
The jet lands in Mudgee, which Richie tells us has “some of the finest produce in New South Wales”, and he should know, being an experienced chef and providore. They sit down for tea in a field, surrounded by some of the most romantic grass and fences you’ll ever see.
Richie is having difficulty getting to know Olena. “I know she likes me, and I like her, but bloody hell I’m working hard for it,” he says, flummoxed by the idea of a woman who doesn’t coat him in saliva the minute she catches a glimpse of a bicep. To be fair, Olena is not exactly an open book: all he asked her was what she’s looking for in a relationship and she reacts like she’s being forced into past life regression therapy.
Back at the mansion, Sarah has got hold of a new envelope, which is a shame because it means she gets to talk. A group date is upcoming, and the card says, “Catch me if you can”. So the group date will involve large-scale fraud.
Keira does not want to go on a group date. She just wants to stay at home licking her teeth. “I’m used to having my man to myself,” she says. Yes Keira: everyone is. That is why The Bachelor is often described as “the show which is not similar to real life”. Luckily Keira is not chosen for this group date, and will be spared the vileness of the company of other women for a while.
Back on the date, Richie and Olena are riding bicycles through gardens. Richie tells Olena that she’s the prettiest thing in the garden because he really is out of ideas. He remains frustrated by Olena’s unwillingness to reveal anything about herself, and claims to feel “like Raiders of the Lost Ark”. Naturally fearing that if Olena opens up his face will melt off, he presses on regardless and tries to get Olena to answer his earlier question about what she wants in a relationship. “I want someone who will walk with me,” Olena says, which honestly just raises more questions.
They sit down under a tree and Olena reveals that she likes to protect herself and is scared of people and feelings and talking. “My feelings have gone from here to about there,” she tells the camera, waving her hand vaguely in the air in a way which tells us nothing about where her feelings have gone.
As Olena tells Richie that, despite her love of protection, she thinks he’s a great guy and despite all the evidence that he is smart and funny, Richie sees his opening. He knows that now is the time to tell her that earlier in the day he wanted to kiss her. His patented previous-kiss-wanting-reminiscence has a hundred percent strike rate, and this is no exception: Olena latches onto his face like a lamprey, and the deal is sealed. Richie knows something wonderful has happened: like every other woman he has ever met in his entire life, Olena and him have a real connection; “I feel like I’m fourteen years old,” he says, and yes, that seems about right.
Single date over, it’s down to the docks for the group date. Richie drops a bombshell: for years he’s been searching for the perfect seafood dish. Did you see that coming? I didn’t. We’ve learnt a lot about Richie this year, but the revelation that he has dedicated his life to an Ahab-esque quest for flawless seafood really shakes us out of our complacency. No wonder he hasn’t had time to form a proper relationship, with all his seafood-chasing.
Anyway, Richie explains that as he has a passion for cooking, the Bachelorettes have to cook for him. This doesn’t seem to make much sense: surely his passion for cooking should mean that he cooks for them. But no, he would really rather prefer that the women cook for him, as God intended.
The women are herded into a kitchen, and the aroma of fish is overwhelmed only by the stench of desperation as they split into teams of two to attempt to impress Richie the only way anyone truly can: with crabs and snapper. Immediately the competition heats up as Noni steals Faith and Alex’s egg. Noni and Rachael seem to think this is a sensational tactical move, but Alex just goes and takes the egg back, so little is achieved, really, besides the creation of a priceless memory: in the future we will all sit around and talk about the time that Noni stole an egg, and wonder if such an age will ever come to this world again.
“It’s time for me to taste the dishes,” says Richie, with what seems an inappropriate level of excitement. He does so, and apparently on the basis of their dish being “saucier and hotter” — he is, you see, a genuine gourmet — he selects Rachael and Noni’s. These two now get to have a seafood banquet with Richie, cooked by someone else who isn’t Richie. No doubt he is just seething at the fact he’s not getting to indulge his well-known passion for cooking.
A double date is just like a single date except a lot more awkward and vicious. The trio sits down to eat and Rachael immediately begins sniping bitchily at Noni. She sees Noni as a threat, not realising that she has nothing to worry about because Richie doesn’t actually like either of them. Rachael relaxes after Noni tries to eat an oyster and nearly suffers a brain aneurysm at the table. “There’s no way Noni is ready for a relationship,” Rachael says, drawing upon all her years of experience as a psychotherapist.
Next day it is time for another single date, and it’s between Keira and Khalia. Keira warns that if Richie picks Khalia, “he’s in trouble”, though I don’t know what consequences she plans to inflict on him: poison his seafood? Anyway he doesn’t have to fear her wrath as it’s Keira for the single date and she is absolutely overjoyed, as she has never met a man who, once he is alone with her, has not ended up either madly in love or dead.
Richie and Keira drive away, and we cut away to Keira laughing hysterically for just a little bit too long for anyone to feel comfortable.
Today’s date is a yoga lesson in the woods: is there anything more romantic apart from all the dates Richie has taken the other women on? Keira thinks it’s wildly romantic because normally when she goes on a date with Richie he puts her in an inflatable costume and makes her fight someone.
There is an instructor there to put the couple through their paces, but god only knows why, as Keira takes over and spends the whole time telling Richie what to do. The instructor cannot be heard at all as Keira keeps on and on and on. “It was hard to find my inner peace,” Richie complains, which is a big deal because normally there’s not enough neural activity going on in his head for him to be anything but peaceful. There is a very real possibility that he will leave Keira in the woods and take the instructor back to the mansion.
Keira is feeling good though. “We’re attracted to each other, that’s obvious,” she says. “When I get a rose I’m going to go back tonight feeling great!” This, students of the theatre, is known as “Dramatic Irony”.
After the yoga lesson, Richie says he wants to sit down and have a deep conversation with Keira, and he is the first person ever to say that. He tells Keira that he feels like she has two different personalities: sometimes she is obnoxious and grating, but at other times she is annoying and unpleasant. Richie admits that he has a problem with Keira’s unwillingness to throw herself into the sumo roller derby and giant kangaroo fights with gusto, as what he’s really looking for in a woman is a giddy moron.
Keira — who, DO NOT FORGET, said a couple of minutes ago how great she would feel going home tonight with a rose — is slightly taken aback as Richie tells her they have no future together as he worries that she might not cook seafood to his standards.
Keira is a little downcast, but she should feel proud, as she’s done something nobody else has ever done: she is the first woman Richie has ever met with whom he did not feel a connection. He doesn’t even tell her that he wanted to kiss her that morning, THAT’S how special she is.
“We were both on the same page, that’s really refreshing,” says Keira “we’re attracted to each other, that’s obvious” Maguire, as she rides away in the Rejection Car. Proclaiming herself “too good for this situation”, she asserts that if she were a man, she “wouldn’t date half of these girls” — and neither would Richie, that’s why he’s dating all of them. Keira is not worried about ending up alone, as she’s sure that somewhere out there is a man who is looking for a woman to tell all his female friends to fuck off.
Back at the mansion, TAFKAAG tells the other Bachelorettes that Richie has sent Keira away, and the women do an amazing job of not bursting into gleeful laughter for several minutes. I don’t know how they do it: I sure couldn’t keep a straight face. The women agree that what probably happened was that Keira made the fatal mistake of letting Richie meet her.
At the cocktail party, Alex opines that it would take a “very strong man” to handle Keira, and the other women agree that Richie is indeed a very weak man. Alex’s mood darkens, though, when Richie takes Nikki away for a private chat. The lip wobbles and the tears flow and Alex quietly fingers the handle of the knife with which she will cut the throat of any man who disrespects her. Going away for a private chat is HER thing, and she resents any woman horning in on her territory. Frankly, she’s been in this mansion for weeks, and the whole “other women being on the show” is starting to get on her nerves. Why are they still here? Alex wonders to herself. When are they going away?
“I’m finding it very hard to wrap my head around it all,” says Alex, referring to the concept of a “competition”.
In their private room, Richie tells Nikki that even though he’s been telling numerous other women that he’s got the hots for them, he’s still totally into her and if she’s just patient while he gropes all the others one by one, he’ll come back to her in time. Then they have a big gross kiss.
Rose ceremony time, and with the Bachelorettes lined up in breathless anticipation, TAFKAAG comes in to announce that…Richie has decided not to have a rose ceremony.
What? Richie can just DECIDE not to have a rose ceremony? Then why does he EVER have a rose ceremony? Why doesn’t he just keep this going indefinitely, making out with all the women and living for free in his Bachelor pad? I had no idea he had such freedom of choice.
Tune in next week when Rachael will be a real bitch and Alex will crack.
