The Bachelor Recap: I Now Long Only For Death
Previously on The Bachelor: Nikki promised not to have anything amputated before marrying Richie.
Tonight on The Bachelor: I want to kill myself.
We begin at the mansion, where the Bachelorettes discuss how they want to have more single dates because they are becoming increasingly insane.
“I still pinch myself that I’m here,” says Rachael, and I know how she feels: I pinch myself that I’m watching it. Rachael says it makes her feel “special” that Richie appreciates her “qualities”, which might be the most depressing thing a human being has ever said in the history of speech.
TAFKAAG enters and stays far too long, talking about how important it is to impress Richie. What he needs to realise is that brevity is his friend: staying on screen for longer than five seconds just causes our minds to wander and start to miss James Mathison.
Faith is sure that if she had more time with Richie, she would fall in love with him. What a weird thing to say. Falling in love with Richie is like walking 10,000 steps a day — she’s working towards it, just needs more conditioning.
Anyway Faith is in luck as she’ll be going on a single date, and so maybe she’ll fall in love with Richie. Little does she know that this is no ordinary single date: this is a single date specifically designed to make everyone watching this show want to claw their faces off their skulls.
Richie surprises everyone by bringing in Hamish Blake, Australia’s most self-satisfied comedian. Richie claims he’s a big fan of Hamish, and so he thought that it’d be a good idea to bring him along on a date.
Even by the standards of a lifelong pathological liar like Richie, this is a truly outrageous and vicious lie. Telling us that his “brain” underwent a mental process that went, “I like that Hamish Blake, it would be fun to have him accompany me and a woman on a romantic day out” is the bluntest insult to my intelligence I have ever encountered. This is truly the moment when The Bachelor stopped simply annoying us and began actively punching us in the stomach.
So apparently Hamish has been given “control” of the date. What this means in practice is that Hamish is going to dress up like a three-year-old and Richie and Faith have to be his “parents” and look after him all day.
This idea is so bad it actually qualifies as a human rights violation according to the UN. If this was Hamish’s idea, then I revise my previously-held opinion that he is talented, and I hereby submit a demand to the Australian entertainment industry that he never be allowed to work again. If this was a producer’s idea, I beseech Hamish: for god’s sake stand up for yourself, this demeans us all — can’t you let people know there are some things Hamish Blake won’t do?
I don’t want to describe the “date” in too much detail, because it will bring on my night terrors. Suffice to say every nightmare you’ve ever had was a feeble preparation for this. I don’t know how the camera crew handled it without setting fire to themselves. It makes me angry. I feel like taking to the streets and smashing windows in an effort to make someone listen to the people’s needs: this must end. We have to ensure this can never happen again.
Basically, Hamish wanks about in his stupid outfit, saying stupid things in a stupid way and calling Richie and Faith “Daddy” and “Mummy” and making inappropriate comments in what I assume is meant to be “humour”, because…he’s a three-year-old…and those comments are not things that three-year-olds would normally be expected to say…so that’s funny…but…he’s not actually three years old…so…what we actually have is just a really creepy man doing a convincing impression of a drug-addled sex offender.
They go bowling and Hamish wanders down the lane and falls over and makes Richie and Faith drag him back because Hamish is apparently such a clueless cretin that he either thinks three-year-olds actually do this kind of thing, or he thinks that it’s funny to see him do it.
Hamish makes Richie and Faith take him to the toilet and makes Faith sing “the toilet song” and at this stage you really have to wonder what kind of children Hamish has been in contact with in the past. I can only imagine, but I’m fairly sure whoever they were, they spewed clouds of flies from their mouths.
There’s an insane interlude where Richie tries to undress Hamish, and Hamish is just lying there while Richie tugs on his pants, and I think Hamish has somehow conflated the concepts of “toddler”, “quadriplegic” and “serial killer”.
Finally Hamish goes to sleep — or at least, he goes away, which I guess is a positive development, although not as positive as if he’d walked into the sea — and Richie and Faith get some alone time and kiss, and I long for death even more than I usually do when Richie kisses a woman.
Hamish does this cretinous spiel about trying to teach Richie and Faith an important lesson about the realities of relationships, and then when Richie and Faith kiss he creeps out and looks around the corners and goes, “My work here is done”, and never have the words “disgrace to comedy” meant as much. This entire date has made the evolution of life on earth seem like a grievous error. But at least it’s over, and although we’ll never truly be happy until we are dead and can’t remember it anymore, it is a small relief.
The next day, the entire audience has PTSD, and Olena has brought another card to tell the Bachelorettes that there’s going to be another single date. Steph hopes it will be her, because she thinks Richie is “a genuine guy”, an opinion she would revise if she could run tests on the polyurethane levels of his skin-coating. Rachael hopes it will be her, because…well because she’s on the show I guess and it’d be stupid if it wasn’t her. And it is her, so great, awesome I guess.
Richie has decided to explore a more “sensual side” of Rachael, which I had assume meant he was going to finger her, but actually it means he’s going to make her learn how to make perfume. Richie and Rachael meet with a perfume-maker, a development which would normally make me retch, but after what’s gone before in this episode, a perfume-making date is like front-row seats to Hamilton by comparison.
Richie wants to know what Rachael’s favourite smell is. Rachael completely fails to answer the question, but says “I’m sure you know what I mean”. The perfume-maker doesn’t, but lies and says she does because she’s getting paid.
Richie and Rachael make some scents, but not in the usual way. It’s surprisingly boring, in that I expected it to be very boring but I was surprised that it was even more boring than that.
Then Richie and Rachael wander around the garden taking photos and Richie gives Rachael a footrub. “FOOT?” asks Rachael incredulously, having hoped he was going to say “clitoris”. However he can’t give her a footrub because her feet are revolting, so he gives her a handrub, which isn’t a thing.
As Richie rubs Rachael’s hands, irritating guitar music plays and Rachael becomes so euphoric that she completely forgets that Nikki is going to win and Richie has already decided he doesn’t like her.
Then they eat some cheese and then Rachael sits in a tree and Rachael talks about how wonderful Richie is, which I hope was scripted because otherwise she is literally out of her mind.
Then Richie reads Rachael a letter from her mother, which is a fairly creepy thing to do and strongly suggests that Richie has Rachael’s mother chained below the ground somewhere. Rachael tells Richie he’s a diamond. Richie tells Rachael he’s after someone he can “pursue a beautiful life with”, just the latest in Richie’s special emotionally-charged meaningless phrases.
Rachael says she didn’t know men like Richie existed, which is a bit of dramatic irony because, of course, they don’t. At least I hope they don’t.
Mercifully, Rachael’s date ends too. It wasn’t as intolerable as Faith’s date, but it was simultaneously dull and aggravatingly insincere, so it was no picnic. Apart from the bit that was literally a picnic.
Cocktail party time, and the Bachelorettes sit around hoping that Steph will go because she’s better than them and they know it. Rachael gets back and everyone else pretends they don’t hate her guts. Rachael tells them about her hand massage and they’re all very jealous even though this is objectively an unpleasant thing to happen.
Interestingly, neither Rachael nor Faith received roses on their dates, which raises hopes that maybe Richie will send everyone home, but I guess that’s too much to ask. Olena thinks that maybe giving no roses is a sign he likes them all and it’ll be a difficult decision, which is interesting given that actually he likes Nikki best.
Faith takes Richie away to talk about something but it’s classified so we can’t know it is. Maybe they’re deciding whether to have Hamish killed.
Alex takes Richie away for a talk, causing Rachael to make yet another bitchy comment about Richie not wanting children. But Alex is about to pull a huge and risky move: she takes out photos of her son and makes Richie look at them.
Alex’s move is designed to make Richie see the stark reality of her life, and to understand that if he doesn’t choose Alex, he’ll be destroying a little boy’s life, as well as a woman’s. It’s a powerful and admirable piece of emotional blackmail.
Alex tells Richie that if he chooses her, he will be her son’s best friend, which is sad because he really should have friends his own age. Richie makes a heartfelt speech about responsibilities and decisions and how passionate he is about avoiding the question.
After their talk, Alex is very happy, proving she doesn’t recognise panic in a man’s face when she sees it. Richie knew she had a son already, but finding out that she not only has a son, but she has a son who is visible when photographed and therefore almost certainly not a vampire, has shaken him to the core. Can he be a good stepfather to a non-vampirical child?
The other women discuss the Alex situation. Steph asks whether Richie is ready to be a stepfather. Nikki says only Richie can answer that. Yeah, Steph, get back in your fucking box, LADIES do not discuss such things!
Rose ceremony time. The first rose goes to Faith as recognition of her fortitude in going through the date with Hamish and not jumping in front of a bus.
The second rose goes to Alex because what a dick move it’d be, kicking her out five minutes after she showed you pictures of her kid.
The third rose goes to Nikki, because she is the winner.
Here we pause while Rachael makes bitchy voiceover comments about Olena and Steph.
The fourth rose goes to Olena, because playing hard to get works, guys. Rachael is mortified., which is pretty funny. She tries to avoid looking like she wants to spit in Steph’s face, and she fails.
The last rose goes to…Rachael. DUH.
So Steph goes home. I would say she’s going to be fine because she’s beautiful and smart and a good person and will find love, but if that were true she wouldn’t be on this show. But then, beautiful stupid bad people often do OK in life too.
Five women left. Who will win: the unstable single mum, the over-enthusiastic weirdo, the mysterious KGB agent, the inherently nasty arsehole, or the one Richie has already decided to pick? Only time will tell.
Tune in next week when everyone goes camping for reasons that will never become clear.
The Bachelor will soon end, leaving a hole in your life that can only be filled by Error Australis. Get it in yer brain now.
