Ten Better Ways To Spend New Year’s Eve
With Christmas over, it’s now time to prepare for what is objectively the worst holiday of the year: New Year’s Eve. This hollow-souled celebration of the arbitrarily-determined end of one artificially constructed division of the passage of time and the beginning of another is nothing but a desperate attempt to blot out the knowledge of our own mortality for one night, a blind groping for control over the random chance that we know deep down rules us all.
With that in mind, here’s a helping hand towards making this NYE as enjoyable as possible, with our:
Ten Better Ways To Spend New Year’s Eve Than Going To A Party
1. Catalogue the mistakes of the previous year. Sure — you could head out to a depressing shindig where everybody is transparently trying to avoid mentioning how empty the idea of a “fresh start” is. But wouldn’t it be both more constructive, and more fun, to spend New Year’s Eve at home, with pen and paper, making a detailed list of all the things you’ve done wrong this year? Make sure you note down not just what you did wrong, but why you did it, and the underlying character flaw that it reveals. If you start, early, you’ll have plenty of time to reflect on your errors and think about how many of them you’re likely to repeat next year, before the clock strikes midnight.
2. Ring your exes to cry. It’s always awkward to show up to a party and find your ex is also there. So why not skip the awkwardness and simply ring all your exes up on New Year’s Eve. Tell them it’s your New Year’s Resolution, tell them you feel you need to make amends at this time of year, or don’t tell them anything — just dive straight into the torrents of tears that will make the evening fly by!
3. Watch the New Year’s Eve celebrations on TV. New Year’s Eve is a night when it’s very easy to find yourself descending into self-loathing. That can be fun in itself, but it’s always nice to lighten things up a bit by turning on the TV and watching the fixed grins and flailing tedium of each network’s NYE festivities, so you can vary your self-loathing with some other-people-loathing.
4. Ignore your family. The holidays are a time for family, and the end of the year is the perfect night to invite your nearest and dearest over for a quiet family gathering, and then spend it studiously staring straight ahead, avoiding all conversation and eye contact. Your family will thank you, not only for the free drinks, but for the repression of all emotion.
5. Call the police. There’s almost certain to be a loud New Year’s Eve party within earshot of your place, so why not take advantage of that fact by calling in a noise complaint? Make sure you get in early — 7–7.30pm is a good time to make your first call. There’s always a danger that once the cops have visited your neighbours, they’ll actually pay attention and turn the music down, but don’t worry: there’s loads of other things you can make complaints about. Drug use, underage drinking, trespassing, gunfire — with some imagination you can completely ruin your neighbours’ evening, and keep yourself amused for hours.
6. Let off fireworks. Everyone else is enjoying the fireworks: why should you be left out just because you find human company painful and repellent? Setting off fireworks in your own backyard is easy and fun, and really makes you feel like you’ve achieved something this year. Legal? Strictly speaking, no, but the police will have their hands far too full with frivolous noise complaints to bother you.
7. Watch the entire Fawlty Towers. John Cleese’s comedic masterpiece only runs to about six hours all up: the perfect amount of time to fill a New Year’s Eve with laughter and misanthropy. Every episode is a classic, and will give you ample opportunity to smile to yourself about how much more fun you’re having than anyone else tonight.
8. Dig a grave in the backyard. With a whole new year about to start, it’s always best to be prepared.
9. Overeat. You’re alone in the house, you don’t have to share with anyone: why not go wild and eat everything you’ve got? An especially enjoyable activity for anyone who planned to host a party of their own but found that nobody wanted to come, this is the perfect way to embrace the self-indulgence of the holiday season, without all the debilitating socialising. A gluttonous New Year’s Eve will bring home the truth: everything tastes better with a side order of feelings.
10. Public nudity. Staying in on New Year’s Eve is always for the best, but there will come a time when you’ll feel like a bit of fresh air. This is a great opportunity to strip down to your birthday suit, grab a bottle of Kahlua, and take to the streets. While the great unwashed are “counting down” at their grubby little soirees, make a bold statement of your own individuality by letting the balmy summer air caress your bare flesh while bellowing messages of holiday joy like, “F — — New Year!” or “Come back Erica, I’ve changed!” As the old saying goes, a New Year greeted fully clothed is wasted. Don’t waste YOUR New Year: stay home and get to work.
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