Put Me On Q&A, You Dickheads: A Respectful Plea For Sanity

OK, it’s no secret that I want to be on Q&A. Many people have probably picked up from my subtle hints, such as my constant begging to be on Q&A, that being on Q&A is something I strongly desire.

But the common misconception people tend to be prey to is that I want to be on Q&A purely to feed my own sad and desperate thirst for fame.

Feeding my sad and desperate thirst for fame is why I want to be on every OTHER television show.

I want to be on Q&A out of a genuine desire to make it a better program and elevate the public discourse.

I mean, the sad and desperate thirst isn’t absent, but it’s not the sole driver of this.

Look: we know that Q&A is an entertaining show that is lots of fun to watch. But what if it was that AND informative or useful in some way? What if we got pleasure not just from seeing the terrible panellists being terrible every week, but from a genuinely interesting discussion featuring frank and fearless exchanges of views?

And what if whenever someone was being a lying sack of shit on it, someone else called them a lying sack of shit? And what if a writer went on the show and didn’t just spew a bunch of pretentious wank about the importance of the arts and how the answer to the world’s problems involves completely ignoring reality? And what if a comedian went on the show and had more to offer than pre-written zingers that are both vastly less intelligent and vastly less funny than they could be if they just went on and responded to the conversation as it unfolded?

What if Q&A was GOOD, guys? Guys? What if that?

I mean let’s look at next week’s lineup.

Arthur Sinodinos: shiny-headed lying greedy selfish unimaginative amoral little dick.

Tanya Plibersek: self-righteous egotistical lying hypocritical gigantic dick.

Chris Mitchell: former editor-in-chief of the Australian and winner of World’s Dickiest Dick Award eighteen years in a row.

Robert Manne: slow-talking pillow-brained academic, or as we might call it, acadickic.

Christine Dolan: I don’t really know who this is but I’m pretty sure she’s probably a bit of a dick.

What I’m saying is, every week Q&A is infested by dicks, and while there are those who say that I myself am a dick, those who say that are much bigger dicks than I’ll ever be, so those dicks can go to hell. And the ABC, if they want even a slight reduction in dickishness on their show, will PUT ME ON IT.

Stop the Dicks. Put. Me. On. Q. And. A.

Before it’s too late.

Or, at least, like, soon.

If you want to support me in my mission to be on Q&A (and every other show too), chip in to my Patreon.