Pobjie Explainer: How To Understand The Election Via TV Shows
If there’s one thing that the 21st century has taught us, it is that there is only one way to reasonably understand politics, and that is through figurative reference to popular television programs.
But it’s not good enough for a clever person like me to simply draw parallels between the political landscape and a given show, dust off my hands and declare mission accomplished. What if my readers haven’t seen the show I’m referring to? They’ll be as lost as if I were Laura Tingle herself.
So what I aim to do here is corral a whole herd of TV hits with which you can compare political developments, advise you on how each show can be seen to be exactly like the Australian election, and hopefully allow everyone, no matter their televisual preferences, to understand the state of the nation.
Because remember: every single thing that happens is like something that happened on TV once. Let’s begin with…
GAME OF THRONES
OK, so first of all, think of Malcolm Turnbull as Theon Greyjoy, and the right wing of the Liberal Party as Ramsay Bolton. Turnbull, like Theon, was a proud prince from a noble family, but when captured by the evil right wing/Ramsay, found himself beaten into submission and with his bits lopped off. Metaphorically, that is. For Malcolm. For Theon it wasn’t metaphorical.
So if Turnbull is Theon, who is Bill Shorten? I would say Shorten is Jon Snow, the youthful upstart who despite having a sexual relationship with a Wildling (the union movement), managed to win leadership over the experienced true believer Ser Alliser Thorne (Anthony Albanese). He proved an effective leader despite being murdered (eating a sausage sideways) and being resurrected with the help of a mysterious red witch (Pauline Hanson).
Obviously this means Nick Xenophon is Tyrion Lannister, inasmuch as he killed his father with a crossbow.
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Orange is, obviously, the colour of Pauline Hanson’s hair, and she is indeed “the new black”, in that she is both very popular and would like to replace black people everywhere. Of course it’s no stretch to say that parliament is like a prison, and that everyone there has done something extremely bad to get in. Although when it comes to prison shows, the election probably bears more resemblance to…
WENTWORTH
The struggle for the prime ministership is just like the struggle for Top Dog. Malcolm is Bea Smith, determined yet conflicted, sacrificing his ideals for a position of authority that he can no longer even remember the reasons for wanting. Shorten is Kaz Proctor, the guerrilla gender terrorist driven by uncontrollable anger against the world but seduced by the devious psychological mind games of The Freak (Tanya Plibersek). Governor Vera “Vinegar Tits” Bennett represents the Governor-General, Peter “Vinegar Tits” Cosgrove. Idealistic yet hot-headed guard Will Jackson represents Richard Di Natale, the Greens leader who wants to do the right thing but often finds himself inadvertently committing crimes or getting beaten up by women. And then there is Barnaby Joyce, who is the loveable Boomer Jenkins, often used as comic relief yet capable of bringing a tear to the eye with his simple-minded tantrums.
BREAKING BAD
Breaking Bad is the story of a decent man who turns to crime out of desperation, but finds a life of crime increasingly addictive, until the darkness and violence in his soul has taken over to such an extent that his moral core is near-obliterated and he must count the cost of his ambition and selfishness to the ones he loves and the life he once knew.
It might as well have been titled “Breaking Turnbull”. If you need more clarification, just consider this: Hank = Tony Abbott; Walt Jr = Christopher Pyne; Gus Fring = Andrew Bolt; Skylar = Cory Bernardi.
MAD MEN
People thought only “mad men” would vote for Bill Shorten, but he has proven them wrong. It’s also true that on election night most candidates smoke and drink heavily, and that everyone in parliament is sleeping with their secretary. You might also have noticed that many politicians have extremely well-tailored suits.
HANNIBAL
Can the relationship between urbane psychopath Hannibal Lecter and mentally fragile savant Will Graham be compared to that between urbane psychopath Malcolm Turnbull and mentally fragile savant Bill Shorten? Certainly. Although enemies, Hannibal and Will’s destinies are forever entwined with each other — just like Malcolm and Bill. Although they spend much of their time trying to kill each other, they also, in a way, love each other — just like Malcolm and Bill. One serves human flesh in stunningly beautiful culinary tableaux, and the other collects stray dogs — just like Malcolm and Bill. One appears in the other’s dreams as a half-man, half-deer creature — just like Malcolm and Bill.
In the new parliament, Pauline Hanson will play the role of Laurence Fishburne.
GLEE
It’s difficult to understand the issue of a possible hung parliament, but just think of it like handsome Spanish teacher Will Schuester’s show choir competing at regionals: let’s say that one judge thinks New Directions’ rendition of Smokin’ In The Boys’ Room stole the show, but another judge believes that Vocal Adrenaline’s spectacular November Rain was unbeatable. The third judge is the decider, but he can’t decide between ND’s solid performance of Boogie On Reggae Woman and VA’s entirely competent Wham Rap. To help him decide, both teams sing The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down as a tiebreaker. If the third judge finds this decisive, he will come down on the side of one or the other choir. If he still can’t make up his mind, there will be an entirely new Regionals convened for the following weekend, when New Directions’ bus will break down, resulting in shenanigans.
In this scenario, the third judge is the crossbench, Malcolm Turnbull is Mr Schuester, and Michaelia Cash is Rachel Berry.
THE GOLDEN GIRLS
The Liberal Party, the Labor Party, the Greens and Bob Katter sit around a kitchen table. The Liberals say they don’t know what they’re going to do about their ex-husband (Abbott) and his wacky get-rich-quick schemes. The Labor Party is worried because they’ve inherited a pig (Shorten) and can’t take care of it properly. The Greens are having sex with a married man (Tim Flannery). Bob Katter tells a story about his Sicilian youth that turns out to have no point. They all agree they will always be there for each other. They eat a cheesecake.
This is basically how the following weeks will play out.
CLEVERMAN
Malcolm Turnbull is quite a clever man.
