Please Put Me On Your Show

Over the last few years I have noticed an alarming trend: people not putting me on their shows. To address this issue, and to save time in today’s modern fast-paced information-rich society, I have composed this form letter which I will be posting to every relevant producer/creator/power couple.

PLEASE DELETE WHERE APPLICABLE

Dear Sir/Madam/Director-General/Hamish and Andy,

I am writing to you to request that you give me a part in your television programme/play/movie/comedy festival show/podcast/radio show/current affairs panel/e-newsletter/friendship.

I think you will see, from a considered perusal of my work/social media activity/general personality, that I am the perfect fit for your project/cast/discussion/empty place in your heart. My experience in the media/entertainment industry/arts sector/food court will undoubtedly come in handy as you attempt to build a brand/audience/playground.

I admit, that I am not famous/popular/attractive/young/fit/fun to be around. But I am a hard worker, a dedicated artist, and although this is rarely publicised in the mainstream media, an astonishing creative genius/performer of unique sensitivity/singer with the voice of an angel/big guy who would be good for a role as, say, a bodyguard or something.

I’m also a lot of fun to work with, as in every job I do, I make sure to commit one hundred percent/do exactly as I’m told, no questions asked/get nude at the slightest provocation/buy presents for my boss.

The bottom line is, I will be a major asset to your production, and above all else, I am so desperate that I will do absolutely anything to get the part. Please feel free to send me any questions/instructions/demands/abuse/clothes for laundering. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours,

Ben Pobjie