My Kitchen Rules Recap: Wet And/Or Wild

As the Spin Doctors sang, what time is it? And as the Spin Doctors did not sing, it’s time to go to Wet ’n’ Wild and cook some crap.

Wet ’n’ Wild is a water park in western Sydney that is in such dire financial trouble that they have to accept cash from My Kitchen Rules to allow them to film there. Group Two must barbecue for patrons of the water park who are presumably getting some kind of discount in return for eating this muck.

“Russians are not scared of the barbecue,” says Olga, putting that old myth to bed. Neither are Jordanians, as Hadil says that everyone in Jordan is constantly barbecuing all day long. Also Chinese people aren’t scared of barbecues according to Georgie and Alicia. We can probably proceed on the assumption that there are no ethnic groups that suffer from a congenital fear of barbecues.

Pete tells them that they have to make something that is easy to eat and enjoyable for fun-lovers of all ages, dashing the hopes of those teams that were planning to cook exclusively for fun-lovers between 45 and 58.

“It’s a bit ironic that we’re at a water park and we’re in challenge mode,” says Georgie, which breaks the world record for the most incorrect use of the word “ironic” ever in history. It’s so incorrect that I don’t even know what she thought she meant.

“Nothing worse than a bit of dry meat in the burger,” says Anna, who has apparently never seen MKR: there are so many things that are worse than that.

Sonya and Hadil are making spiced beef and lamb pita pockets. Hadil assures us that this is a popular dish in Jordan, continuing to hit her quota of mentioning Jordan in every sentence.

Colin comes to Olga and Valeria’s stall and demands that they talk to him about their dish. They tell him they’re making lamb and pineapple. He asks if they think lamb and pineapple is a good idea. They say yes. He asks if they think lamb and pineapple is a good idea. They say yes. He directly tells them that lamb and pineapple is a bad idea. They say who the hell do you think you are, Paddy.

As “Wipeout” plays, the teams busily prepare their delicacies under skies as grey as the concrete of the park. It really is a beautiful day many many miles from the beach. Georgie and Alicia are engaged in a debate about how much garlic to put in their honey soy chicken wings. Pete is concerned that their chicken wings will be accompanied by aioli and asparagus, thus mixing ethnic cuisines in a manner he finds offensive. Before we can dwell too much on Pete’s opposition to culinary miscegenation, cut to Marco explaining that when he was a kid his mother begged him to eat but he wanted to play, so he wants to make sure that the food he makes is easy to eat so the kids can get away as quickly as possible to jump in the pool and get cramp and drown.

Meanwhile Pete thinks Davide and Marco are stuffing up as badly as Georgie and Alicia with their horrible horrible meatballs. On the sidelines Group One pass judgment, declaring that Group Two is bad at barbecuing, which is rich given that Group One is bad at everything.

Olga and Valeria say that they want to be careful with the chilli because they don’t want to burn little kids, although Valeria admits that she does like it when children cry. Just as she’s preparing to remove her human mask and instruct the witches of England to go home and poison children with sweets, it’s over to Henry and Anna, who has decided that “yum yum, pig’s bum” is a lucrative catchphrase and is working it for all she’s worth.

Sonya and Hadil are very confident about their pita pockets and about life in general, despite their personalities. Meanwhile Group One wanders over to make passive-aggressive conversation with the Group Two teams. Josh and Nic try to undermine the Russians’ confidence by pretending they know anything about cooking lamb. Stella and Jazzey visit Henry and Anna and perform a cheer that is the kind of thing David Lynch would include in a film to tip the audience off that the characters are now in Hell. Then Anna has a bit of a fit.

Davide and Marco have drawn the short straw, so they get visited by Jess and Emma. Jess and Emma think their meatballs are inappropriate, which is good news for Davide and Marco, because Jess and Emma have never been right about anything their entire lives.

Stuss and Steve are on the weirdest ad you’ve ever seen, for Carnival Cruises. It’s very hard to imagine the sort of person who thought that these men would entice people to book a cruise. At least they’re not advertising anything food-related, as that would be perverse.

Pete visits Georgie and Alicia to let them know he thinks they’re full of shit. They assure him they know what they’re doing. He disagrees.

Meanwhile Josh and Nic are still talking smack about Olga and Valeria’s lamb chunks.

Anna has identified that to get People’s Choice, they need to get as much food as possible to the public. Of course this plan could backfire if their food is shit, but fortune, as they say, favours the people with a basic level of competence.

Hadil is still banging on about pita pocket tradition. She is going against tradition by making her pita pockets fresh, but Sonya states correctly that the biggest risk is that she and Hadil are just indefinably unpleasant to look at and listen to. I wouldn’t let my kids near them at a water park.

The gates open, and the customers of Wet ’n’ Wild trudge dutifully to the stalls to collect their free meals, casting wistful looks at the kiosk in the distance.

Sadly Olga and Valeria’s meat isn’t cooked yet. Which means Josh was right, which is AWFUL.

As the hordes queue, Hadil reveals that it’s not in her culture to leave people hungry. In this she differs from all the other teams, who come from cultures where leaving people hungry is extremely popular. Especially Russia, I guess, judging from Olga and Valeria’s service.

The pool-going children bite into Sonya and Hadil’s chillis and are agreed: they are hot. Pete and Colin, who have not gone swimming because they fear the mockery of their leathery bodies, think Sonya and Hadil’s pita pockets are outstanding, but they would, wouldn’t they.

The judges are less impressed with Davide and Marco’s meatballs, which are small, and their bread, which is large. Everything is wrong. However, some weird kid in a wetsuit loves the meatballs. As do some other weird kids in wetsuits. As does some little wiener in a striped jumper. I think it’s a bit cold out there.

Meanwhile they’re still waiting at Olga and Valeria’s stall, where the old Russian adage, “the longer you wait for a lamb and pineapple skewer, the worse your day at the water park will be” is being proven correct.

Pete and Colin try Henry and Anna’s pork burger, so to speak. “Lovely and moist,” says Pete, but Colin misreads his signals and thinks he’s talking about the burger.

Back at the Russian pavilion, Olga and Valeria have been thrown off their rhythm by the realisation that the people lining up for their food would also like some friendly conversation. Not used to treating their fellow human beings with warmth or respect, it’s awkward, but they try valiantly, saying things like “How are you?” and “there is no polonium in this lamb” with a fair approximation of near-politeness.

Olga is happy with the skewers, to the extent that she is capable of happiness. The line of people who have been standing there shivering in the chill Wet ’n’ Wild winds are happy to finally find something to warm them on this grey, miserable day.

The judges try the skewers. Colin says it’s not as big a car crash as he thought it would be, it’s more like a medium collision that causes severe whiplash without being life-threatening. Group One isn’t sure about the skewers. Emma thinks they’re very minty and bitter, but she’s one to talk.

Back to Georgie and Alicia and their honey soy chicken wings and aioli and asparagus and a bunch of other crap. Colin and Pete don’t like it. The dish doesn’t make sense to Pete, much like the dairy industry. Group One can’t believe how intense the garlic is — it’s been so ineptly applied it’s like someone from Group One made it.

The idiot diners lodge their votes for which dish caused them the least explosive bout of diarrhoea. Group One also votes. Jess and Emma were disappointed by all of them, paying forward what their parents said to them years ago.

It is time to be judged. By the judges, I mean. They’ve all been judged by me long ago.

First, Colin tells Sonya and Hadil he loved their dish, which is a shame because these are two women who have already had way too much positive reinforcement throughout their lives. Pete confesses that he is excited by char, but everyone accepts him for who he is.

“I’m trying my hardest to be humble,” says Hadil, which as it turns out is not very hard.

Colin tells Henry and Anna that they nailed the brief and that he loved the hairbs, whatever that means. “It was just yum,” says Pete, former Pizza Hut employee.

Pete tells the Russians that their lamb was delicious but he didn’t enjoy the pineapple because he is terrified of new ideas and innovation. “The pineapple!” Colin exclaims drunkenly.

“I’m standing by my pineapple,” says Olga, apparently referring to Valeria.

Pete asks Davide and Marco what the star of their dish was. Marco says it was the meatballs. “Where were they?” asks Pete, his frequent memory losses becoming a problem: the meatballs were, of course, in the bread. “I was expecting more meatballs,” says Colin, in a blunt assessment of 1980s Hollywood.

And finally, the judges tell Georgie and Alicia that their dish was a hideous pile of burning sewage. “I never want to eat that again!” Colin screams, and luckily he won’t have to because the challenge is over. “We’ll keep that in mind,” says Alicia. “You said that last time!” Colin bellows, near tears at the betrayal.

Pete asks Jess and Emma who should go to Elimination House. They say Davide and Marco, but luckily for Davide and Marco nobody gives half a shit what Jess and Emma thinks.

Henry and Anna win People’s Choice, possibly for their burgers but probably more for their wonderful wonderful faces. “I’ll be damned,” says Anna — damned CUTE! There is now an opportunity for Jazzey to get moist over Henry yet again.

Obviously the team going to Elimination House is Georgie and Alicia, who broke Colin’s heart. “That’s OK,” say Alicia, and she’s right, because they’ll only have to beat someone from Group One. Fingers crossed it’s Jess and Emma.

Tune in tomorrow, when Group One will cook off to see who goes into Elimination House and it won’t be Kim and Suong because on Sunday they’re going to have a fight with Sonya and Hadil so there’s a spoiler for you.

If you enjoy my whimsical Wet ’n’ Wild musings, please help keep my head above water with a contribution to my Patreon.