My Kitchen Rules Recap:

RED ALERT! Before we start this excellent MKR recap, I’m going to go ahead and throw in a little plug for my GAME OF THRONES recaps. They can be found at Man Of Many: Season 8, Episode 1’s recap is right here. If you like my recaps, you’ll like them. If you like Game of Thrones, you’ll like them. If you like both, you’ll LOVE them. If you like neither, you’re weird, go away.

OK, now on with the MKR!

Previously on My Kitchen Rules: the MKR Restaurant opened, by which I mean, contestants cooked food for some people in a room that everyone called a restaurant even though it clearly was not a restaurant at all. Then we had to see the most annoying people from past seasons, like that woman with the weird face and the nasty one with the dumb hair. Then the first time one single thing didn’t go Andy and Ruby’s way, Andy cried like a little goddamn baby which was funny.

Tonight on My Kitchen Rules: a bunch of stupid children.

Three teams are going to be eliminated tonight, as only one place is left in the semi-finals. It’s incredibly high pressure for the teams, making it all the more poignant that the viewer cares not a bit for any of them.

“We might get through to the semi-finals tonight, but there’s a bigger chance that we might get eliminated,” says Victor, his grasp of maths as strong as ever.

The teams are going to have to make dishes for horrible snotty little kids. “Most of them have grown up watching My Kitchen Rules,” Manu lies. The children are Round One — the dish must have a “rainbow” of fruit and vegetables, whatever that means (nothing).

“Over the last ten years,” says Pete to Manu, “we’ve never had a day like the one we’re going to have today.” Is he hinting that he’s about to subject Manu to a savage bout of psychological torture? Probably.

Andy and Ruby are making Mexican burgers. Mexican food is very popular in Peru — in fact Peruvian people invented Mexican food, Peru is where the very best Mexican food is made, they have Mexican food running through their veins.

Lisa tells John they’ll be making the curry the way they like it, but without the chilli because children are idiots who can’t handle it. The plan to make a bland flavourless curry is a masterstroke.

Victor thinks the kids will love his dish because the fruits and vegetables are “really colourful”. Victor has really bought into the theme of the day: Kids Are Idiots. Meanwhile G bashes the chicken with a hammer to get all his repressed anger out.

Colin comes along to tell Victor and G to go easy on the pesto. Victor and G fantasise about throwing a pan of boiling water in Colin’s face.

The children arrive. They have spent their entire lives since birth in a stainless steel tank, preparing for the purpose for which they were bred: tasting MKR dishes. They have heard rumours of the outside world, but will not know if the rumours are true until they have eaten Victor and G’s chicken risoni and given an opinion.

Victor and G are not going easy on the pesto. They seem to be putting all their eggs in the “kids love colourful food” basket: whether it tastes good will be secondary to their attempts to dazzle the diners with the visible light spectrum.

Colin visits Andy and Ruby to tell them the children want curry, not burgers. Andy and Ruby are shocked that the kids don’t want a Mexican burger — haven’t they heard how great Peruvian food is? And Mexican food is the best Peruvian food of all!

Lisa’s curry sauce is stuck to her saucepan. Colin tells her it’s stuck. Lisa says it’s not stuck. Colin says it’s stuck. Lisa says it’s not stuck. John sticks a knife in his mum’s back by siding with Colin, but to be fair, the sauce is fucking stuck, Lisa, deal with it.

Colin tells Josh and Austin their meat is raw. Colin is getting to be a real buzzkill. One of the kids orders the Mexican burger, which means Colin lied. Colin asks a little girl what she wants to eat. She rejects everything on the menu. She doesn’t even want to eat, she has colouring to do, leave her alone Colin you drunk bastard.

This is taking forever. Kids can’t wait this long for food. Someone take them to Macca’s for Christ’s sake. Oh finally. Awful fruit and vegetable dinner is served.

Pete finds Josh and Austin’s mango thingummy well balanced. Manu thinks it has too much mango. It looks revolting but one of the kids likes it. What do kids know? Jack shit, that’s what.

Victor and G’s chicken is smothered in pesto. It looks like mould. Pete thinks there are too many flavours and not enough smilodon jerky. Manu is deeply offended by Victor and G’s whole deal. Some little boy says he didn’t like it but then he did, and you could tell he was an indecisive little shit just by looking at his hair.

Pete and Manu love Andy and Ruby’s burger. Big frigging whoop. “There was one thing we were looking for today,” says Pete, “and that’s delicious food.” Honestly shut up.

The children find John and Lisa’s curry very hot. Which is what a curry is supposed to be. Educate yourselves you little pricks. Manu thinks the cauliflower rice is a little too salty, but then, better it be too salty than taste like cauliflower. Pete and Manu like the curry overall, so looks like Victor and G are about to get kicked to the kerb.

It’s judging time, when Pete and Manu reveal their scores, making the task of cooking for children totally irrelevant because the children don’t get a vote and the only thing that ever mattered was impressing the two adult judges.

“We don’t want to be eliminated,” says Victor, which is pretty ironic because guess what they get eliminated. Off Victor goes to have sex with Piper, and off G goes to video it. Austin smirks like the brat he is.

“Au revoir and good luck,” says Manu to Victor and G. Victor responds by saying, “This is bullshit,” and emitting a stream of bleepable obscenities all the way out of the building. As gracious as ever in defeat.

Round Two. The remaining three teams must create dishes “for all ages: — Bronze, Iron, Stone, etc. “You will need to create a sophisticated dish for an adult palate,” says Manu. John is devastated, as he has never cooked for adults before and the thought terrifies him.

The best sophisticated dish goes through to the semi-finals. The two losers go home but don’t even get to have sex with Piper as a consolation.

Josh and Austin are making beef and lobster tartare, which is by any objective standard disgusting, so it probably does qualify as a “sophisticated dish for an adult palate”.

Andy and Ruby are making miso salmon, combining Japanese and Peruvian cuisine, which is an idea that Peruvians invented thousands of years ago. In Peru, everyone combines Japanese and Peruvian cuisine: Japanese and Peruvian fusion runs through their veins. The very best Japanese and Peruvian cuisine is from Peru.

Andy can’t help Ruby because she’s busy with the salmon, which is problematic because Ruby is useless. Will this come between them?

Lisa and John are making…duck? With peaches? Does that sound right? Anyway, John starts a huge fire as he’s given up on trying to make good food and is banking on the insurance money.

Andy is cutting the salmon very carefully, proving once and for all that watching a woman cut salmon is not in any way interesting.

The diners have entered the room. As usual, the teams’ fate rests on impressing these diners, who are the easiest people in the world to impress because they’re getting a free meal and are on TV so will be happy with whatever.

Lisa and John are absolutely determined to burn the building down. John can’t remember where his pans are. He may have left one in the toilet. He may have abandoned one at the fire station. Meanwhile Ruby is begging Andy for help and Andy is continuing to reject her please because she has a fish to care for.

Preparation is finished. “I hope we do ourselves proud or we could be going home,” says John in a to-camera segment filmed long after he found out whether he’s going home or not. All teams begin to plate up their dishes, still maintaining the pretence that they care about impressing people who aren’t Pete and Manu.

The judges taste Lisa and John’s duck. Manu is not a big fan of the carrot puree. Pete enjoys the carrot puree. They come to blows.

“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done,” says Ruby, urinating on every fillet of salmon before it goes to the table. It’s a bold move.

Pete and Manu taste Josh and Austin’s beef and lobster tartare. It’s better than Manu thought it would be, but he had thought it was going to contain shards of glass. Pete thinks it’s a very good dish, even though just looking at it you can tell it’s not.

Colin keeps shouting at Andy and Ruby that they’re taking too long. Andy and Ruby refuse to speed up, knowing that the amount of time they take will have literally no bearing on their score so why the hell should they rush?

Pete and Manu taste Andy and Ruby’s salmon with authentic Peruvian miso. “It’s a spicy broth,” says Pete, making a mental note to feed some to the next baby he meets. It’s apparently quite good.

The teams keep plating up for diners, because unlike the complete farce that was Round One, the diners actually get a vote this time. The views of the dozens of diners still count for less than the two judges, one of whom is certifiable, but still.

Judging time. “We want to be the first Peruvians to ever win MKR,” says Andy, as if there have been several Peruvian teams in every season up till now, but they’re aiming to stand on the shoulders of those giants. What’ll happen if Andy and Ruby don’t win this year? The Peruvians in next year’s season will be the first Peruvians to win! Unthinkable!

Jesus Christ, Andy.

Anyway, as I said, judging time. Pete says Lisa and John’s dish was his favourite of their dishes ever. Lisa cries because she knows no other way.

“We’re not going home,” says Josh. Ha, they are so going home. Pete is very complimentary of their gross raw meat pile. “I thought I was in a restaurant,” says Manu. Aren’t they supposed to be pretending that they are? Manu liked it but is pretty pissed off that Josh put the beef through a mincer. You’re so going home, Josh.

“You shone brightly tonight, girls,” Pete says patronisingly to Andy and Ruby. “The depth of flavour was incredible,” says Manu. They always say that on shows. No idea what it means. Nobody ever says what it means.

Lisa and John get 8 from diners, 9 from Manu and 10 from Pete.

Josh and Austin get 8 from diners, 9 from Pete and 8 from Manu. Tell your story walking, boys. Interestingly they say “thank you” to the judges, and not “this is bullshit”. Also, Josh says “We love cooking now”. Because when the show started, they didn’t.

Andy and Ruby get 9 from diners, 10 from Pete and 10 from Manu.

So Andy and Ruby go through and Lisa and John go home. Lisa cries, but it doesn’t mean much because she cries at literally everything.

It is a shame though, because Lisa and John were quite nice, and Andy and Ruby are annoying as fuck and now we have to hear more bullshit about Peru.

Tune in tomorrow night, when we won’t hear more bullshit about Peru but we will see Romel cry which should be fun.

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