My Kitchen Rules: Nothing Happened
Previously, on My Kitchen Rules, the show went off air for several weeks while the Commonwealth Games granted the network an excuse to artificially extend the season in Seven’s regular round of spitting in the face of its audience.
Speaking of which…
The VO guy wanks about a bit, but eventually the show actually starts. We have been promised that someone will be eliminated for bad behaviour, but we’ve been promised lots of things over the years, and if we know anything about Channel Seven, it is that it is staffed exclusively by pathological liars.
The drama won’t happen tonight anyway, of course — why broadcast the interesting bit of the show any earlier than absolutely necessary?
Pete and Colin gather the contestants in a Coles, where they are informed that today’s challenge is to work for six months in an entry-level nightfill position.
Nah, not really. Actually they have to make ice cream. So it’s a bit like every episode of Masterchef for the last two years, except in this case, it’s the show making them make ice cream, rather than their own lack of imagination.
The People’s Choice for best ice cream will be sold in Coles, alongside That’s Life magazine and discount lip balm. After getting the ingredients from Coles, the teams must travel to Manly, which is where Pete and Colin await with insincere smiles and hidden alcohol problems.
The teams get busy making their ice cream, in a variety of creative and uninteresting ways. “You know what Winston Churchill said?” says Olga, and you feel a Cold War reference coming, but actually it’s “The nation that can eat ice cream in winter is unbeatable”. Apparently they think he meant Russia, but actually he was just drunk in the bath.
Kim tells Suong that she hopes they win People’s Choice. Suong agrees that this would be desirable. The conversation just keeps reaching these kinds of heights.
“There’s no churning back,” says Pete to Colin, and Colin doesn’t stab him in the neck for reasons that are frankly lost on me. Meanwhile Alex and Emily are making Elvis Presley-themed ice cream, by infusing it with a cocktail of potentially lethal prescription drugs.
Emily is getting very frustrated because her peanut butter isn’t working, and somehow after all these years failure still surprises her. Alex is also frustrated that his peanut butter isn’t working, and by his peanut butter I mean his wife.
The ice cream making continues. It is not very good TV, but we continue to watch because we got sucked in by the ads where Hadil and Sonya fight with Jess and Emma so we sit through this dross.
Josh is over-enunciating “gelato”, while Alex tries to talk Emily down off her mental ledge. Sonya and Hadil are making chocolate Turkish Delight ice cream, because they are committed to making people vomit. “Turkish Delight’s good!” calls Hadil, but she could not be more wrong: Turkish Delight is very very bad.
“Are you guys making a nutty Italian because you’re both nutty?” Sonya asks Josh and Nic, like some kind of cretin. Josh and Nic take her gag and run with it, as they are also cretins. It’s the kind of day where everyone’s a dickhead and nothing entertaining is happening.
Stella and Jazzey don’t have time to infuse the popcorn like they usually would. Also, they usually wouldn’t — this is not something they would usually do at all. Stop your lies, women.
Jess is cooling down her salted caramel, but honestly by this stage who gives a fuck.
They keep making ice cream…still making ice cream…everyone is making ice cream…Jess is nervous…ice cream continues to be made by people…Jess checks on Kim and Suong’s consistency…they’ve been fairly inconsistent the whole series…Jess doesn’t know what to do because the task involves skill at food preparation…ice cream continues to be made…they’re making ice cream…ad for Back With The Ex…ice cream…churn…creme anglaise…salted caramel…Turkish Delight…churn…ice cream…
After the incredibly dull adventures of Jess and Emma and the non-icing ice cream, over to Stella and Jazzey, who seem to want to be here even less than we do. Jazzey points out that this is more difficult than when she made ice cream at home, and our hearts bleed for her. Meanwhile the Russians are completing their Earl Grey ice cream, which sounds so horrible it’s probably, like, the third or fourth worst thing being made today.
Henry and Anna are being adorable as usual, but they’re not in this one very much because they know what they’re doing and aren’t annoying.
Alex begins to peel some bananas, not knowing what else to do with his life. Emily has hit rock bottom. She can tell something’s not one hundred percent right, and she’s still blaming the ice cream rather than her husband’s hat.
Suddenly, Josh’s pants rip, and it’s no exaggeration to say that this is the most exciting thing that will happen this whole episode.
“Fifteen minutes to service!” Colin yells. “The crowd looks eager!” he lies.
There’s that ad for Carnival Cruises with Stuss and Steve on. What the fuck is going on there? What idiot thought putting Stuss and Steve on a ship would make people want to get on that ship? You might as well tell potential customers that all your ships have Legionnaire’s Disease.
Henry is matching up some biscuits. The action literally does not stop.
Sonya and Hadil’s ice cream looks like dung, but as it’s Turkish Delight-flavoured, does not taste as good.
Time is almost up and Stella and Jazzey’s ice cream is not frozen yet, enraging the citizens of Manly, who angrily set the stall alight. Ah, if only.
Pete and Colin taste Kim and Suong’s ice cream, despite Pete’s passionate belief that ice cream causes lockjaw. It’s fine.
They taste Henry and Anna’s, Pete betraying his community with every scoop. It’s fine.
A bunch of random ugly people eat the ice cream and say things about it.
Pete and Colin taste Jess and Emma’s ice cream, Pete laughing in the face of those who believed he was sincere about his beliefs. It’s fine.
Stella and Jazzey continue to not serve any ice cream to anyone. The people of Manly are furious and/or asleep.
Some more random dickheads talk about the ice cream they’re eating as if their opinions are worth anything.
Stella and Jazzey’s ice cream is liquid. They could serve it in glasses, but they’re too lazy. They just stand around looking at it. Stella apologises to the people of Manly for ruining their whole day.
Meanwhile Josh is still over-enunciating the word “gelato” and just mispronouncing the word “coulis”.
Pete and Colin taste Josh and Nic’s ice cream, Pete turning his back on paleo and everything it stands for. It’s fine.
Olga and Valeria make the mistake of telling their customers that they’re from Russia, causing a spontaneous lynching. Pete and Colin taste the Russians’ ice cream, because Pete doesn’t care about anything anymore. It’s fine.
Pete, who can’t remember what it’s like to feel anything, and Colin taste Alex and Emily’s. It’s fine.
Service is over, but Sonya begins walking around asking people to vote for her even if they haven’t tried her ice cream, because Sonya has noticed that Hadil is slightly more hated than she is, and she doesn’t find this fair.
Pete and Colin force the teams to go back to Coles to listen to their bullshit. They bang on about everyone’s ice cream and they tell Sonya and Hadil that theirs sucked, which is pretty funny. Pete also tells Alex and Emily that theirs might be the worst dish of the day, which comes close to making Emily pull out her gun.
Josh and Nic win People’s Choice, which means their ice cream will be sold in Coles, which means their faces will be on tubs of ice cream, which really is not a win for anyone.
Stella and Jazzey are the day’s worst dish, due to their not having actually made ice cream. On the upside, they are not Sonya and Hadil, and can therefore sleep at night.
Tune in tomorrow, when we’re back in instant restaurants and they’ll continue to drag this shit out and make us sit through night after night without anyone being kicked out. It’s going to suck. Join us!
