My Kitchen Rules Non-Recap: You Go To Hell And You Die

No.

No.

No, MKR, you don’t get a recap tonight. You don’t DESERVE a recap. All you deserve, you slimy weasel of a show, is the scorn and loathing of an angry nation.

It’s now nearly eight years — back in 2010! — since Matt Preston, Masterchef’s King of Lies, held out a plate of pasta and declared it “disgusting”, hurling it to the floor…only to then proclaim, “disgustingly GOOD!” and everyone had a good laugh.

Since then, the same basic move has been used by the filthy liars in both Masterchef and My Kitchen Rules many times, but enough is enough. Tonight was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We were promised savage critique. We were PROMISED negativity. We were made to expect that Sonya and Hadil, the insufferable besties in this group who aren’t the other insufferable besties in this group, would be shattered by the devastating assessment of at least one of their courses.

But they lied to us. They LIED, and they LIED, and they LIED.

Entree is served. Pete looks at the women and says, “I was always told if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”. Then there’s an ad break, during which we reflect on the certain knowledge that he definitely liked the entree, because as the judge on the show, he is not about to sit mutely staring at the cooks.

And of course, after the break, Pete says, “it was perfect”. You fucking liar, Pete.

One pathetic Preston-facsimile would be bad enough. But then main is served. Manu asks the besties what they’re thinking. “I’m thinking you think it’s good,” says Hadil. “I’m afraid not,” says Manu.

OH HERE WE FUCKING GO, says the audience.

Yep. “It’s great,” he says. You fucking liar, Manu.

There needs to be an ombudsman to make complaints about this show to. This behaviour is foul. It is fraud. Such a vile and nauseating spectacle is rare even in the cesspit of Australian television.

So no, I cannot recap the rest of this episode, because I have been so wounded by this vicious betrayal that all I can do now is weep for the days when it seemed like good could exist in the world.