MKR Speed Recap: What Did They Putin This Dish?

Ben Pobjie
3 min readFeb 19, 2018


Way late on recapping Sunday night, so this is an extra-special SPEED RECAP, just to get through the major points as fast as possible.

Olga and Valeria have staked out their brand as “Russian women who hate everything about Australia”. Meanwhile the music editor of My Kitchen Rules has staked out their brand as “a person who is incapable of finding any Russian music so plays ‘Rasputin’, a song by a German band who were not from Russia.

Olga and Valeria take a taxi to the shops because neither of them can drive. They could’ve asked a friend to give them a lift, but neither of them have friends. The taxi is very expensive but money is no object to Olga and Valeria, who are well paid by the Republican National Committee.

Their instant restaurant is called Russian Express, because spending time with Olga and Valeria is a lot like being hit by a train. Each course has been carefully designed to look as disgusting as possible.

As the Russians prepare for dinner by laundering money for Wikileaks, the guests arrive. Hadil says she is “expecting perfection”, which, as it does every time anyone says that on this show, means “expecting something horrible that I will be able to say mean things about”.

Entree is meat in jelly. The guests are stunned by the very idea, because MKR is the cooking show for people who aren’t very into food. One mentions that it looks like cat food, which it does. The judges like it and everyone says it tastes great, but you can’t avoid the fact that it looks like cat food and it’s a repudiation of essential human nature to eat it in the first place. The only problem with the Russian cat food is that it doesn’t have enough salt, according to the judges. Hadil immediately bitches about it not having enough salt, because she hates the Russians. Alicia also bitches about it not having enough salt, because she’s just not a nice person.

After running upstairs to hack some emails, Olga and Valeria serve the main course, which is some gross things wrapped grossly inside a gross cabbage leaf. The judges say it’s great, because let’s face it, they are terrible judges of food. They are woefully miscast in this show. Again, however good it tastes, how can a person with functioning eyes really get past the fact that it looks like what a plumber pulls out of a blocked drain? Also, the fact that it’s got cabbage in it? What sort of sick bastard likes cabbage? Sure, it’s traditional Russian cuisine, but that’s because historically, Russia has not contained any food.

Everyone is nice about the main, except for Hadil and Alicia obviously.

After a quick call to Donald Trump Jr, dessert is a white Russian: Olga just strips off and lies on the table.

Haha, get it?

No, actually it’s like…a white Russian…thingummy. With vodka and stuff. The smart move would be to just give everyone a bottle of vodka, but nobody ever accused Olga and Valeria of being smart, only of being unpleasant. Everyone absolutely loves the dessert — even Hadil’s powers of bitchiness are overwhelmed by how good it tastes. Anna practically climaxes right there and then. Alicia tells everyone she thinks she’d have done it better. Over and over again.

Olga and Valeria have done very well, if you believe what the people eating their food say, which I don’t, because I saw that food and it was gross. They get a lower contestant score than Henry and Anna, but only because people like Henry and Anna and nobody likes Olga and Valeria, hence the taxi. But they get a higher judge score, so they’re on top of the leaderboard. Which is a shame because in a moral sense they deserve shame and humiliation. But there’s always time for that later.