MKR Recap: Kleftikomatose
Hopefully after approximately eighteen weeks of discussing the time Emma called Rachael a cow, we can finally move on to Steve and Stuss’s appalling sense of humour.
Following the increasingly sarcastic theme song, we meet Steve and Stuss at the Mythos Corner Store, which Stuss runs and named after the fact that most scholars now believe it to be fictional. We also get another look at Steve peering at dinosaur bones even though he claims to be an archaeologist, not a palaeontologist. I feel that we probably won’t dig deeper into this discrepancy tonight.
It turns out that the corner store is where they’re placing their instant restaurant, which will make a refreshing change from all the teams who set their restaurants up in the house of a wealthy stranger.
Manu tells Pete that he’s been looking forward to Steve and Stuss’s dinner, because he loves Greek food. Or rather, he loves “grick” food.
On the way to Coles, Steve reveals that his strength is administration, dispelling rumours that his strength is impersonating Beinstock from Some Like It Hot.
Pete informs Manu that a baklava isn’t good if it’s too dry. Unlike many other dishes, which are at their best when too dry. For their baklava, Steve and Stuss will be making their own filo pastry, which is a hilariously stupid idea.
The name of the instant restaurant is “The Cornered Greek”, because they want their food to taste like a desperate man lashing out viciously at his attackers. They decorate it by placing two small plastic goats at Josh and Nic’s places, and putting up some Byzantine art, to make it clear that tonight will be complex and difficult to navigate.
Stuss and Steve get busy telling each other what they’re doing step by step, which is very helpful for us as viewers. Steve admits that his marinade is simple, but angrily insists that it is very successful.
“I’ve cooked all my life, I love it so much,” says Stuss, reciting the Prayer of the Failure. Steve and Stuss have a furious argument about the size of lamb pieces that sadly does not come to blows. Stuss then begins singing a new version of Don’t Worry, Be Happy in a Greek accent, as if trying to punish us for something. In cutaways Steve continues his aggressive claims that their simple dishes are still good.
Disaster strikes as the guests arrive and Rachael starts saying words. “In The Summertime” is playing in the background but I don’t know why. In the shop the guests are delighted to find that the table is adorned with various fake animals. Roula picks up a stuffed donkey, prompting Jess, post-dinner, to call her “an arse holding an arse”, a joke that doesn’t work because “ass” is not pronounced like that.
In the kitchen Stuss is making bird noises and Steve is in no mood for humour. Meanwhile in the shop Roula and Rachael are disgusted by the fact that Emma has breasts. Distraction from her cleavage arrives when Jazzey spills wine on Emma’s shoes, which are apparently some kind of shoe that costs money. Rachael thinks Emma’s shoes look horrible, although “thinks” might be a little generous. Back in the kitchen, Steve is losing his grip.
Manu and Pete arrive. “Pete and Manu are gonna be in your corner store, Stuss,” says Steve in an interview filmed several hours after dinner. The judges enter the shop and Jazzey moistens her seat without shame. The guests inspect the menu, which has been written on plates by a four-year-old. Matty is pretty sure a quail is a small bird, and he receives a sticker for guessing right.
Back in the kitchen, Stuss has started an enormous fire, into which he gazes as he ruminates on his many sins. He is grilling quail outside with extreme brutality, while Steve stands inside obsessively scratching his own face.
The entree of chargrilled quail is served. Pete should like it because it’s a dead animal shoved in a fire, just like the Cro-Magnons did. Emily complains that the plate is too small, so her credibility has disappeared forever.
“It is one of the most surreal moments I think I’ve ever had,” says Steve as Manu and Pete taste the entree, and that’s a big statement because he’s been doing acid almost daily since he was ten.
“A very simple dish, can I say?” Manu says. Stuss gives his permission. Manu observes that when making a simple dish, one must ensure that it is perfect. There is then a very long pause, followed by an ad break, to build the suspense that would make Manu’s mild “it wasn’t perfect” really hit home. Pete is disappointed that the quail wasn’t the star of the dish, not being burnt enough to offer to the gods.
“It was good, but it lacked seasoning,” said Nic, who cannot be taken seriously ever since he said “expresso”. Jess claims that she and Emma produce better food than that every day of the week, and there is no way in the world she’s not lying.
Back in the kitchen, Steve and Stuss prepare the kleftiko, a traditional Greek dish made by wrapping lamb in a paper bag and posting it to relatives.
In the shop, Roula has decided to be a bit of a shit. “Does everyone agree with me when I say that Emma looks like one of those women in an American soap opera?” she asks. Nobody agrees with her, because soap opera actresses can afford competent surgeons. Suong asks Jess and Emma if they’ve had work done. Jess admits that she is “store-bought, just like your noodles”, and everyone has a good laugh and is the best of friends.
In the kitchen, Steve is lecturing Stuss on the value of hard work and wise investment. “No need to talk to me like you’re my father,” says Stuss. “I’m not talking to you like your father, I’m talking to you like your bloody brother,” says Steve, referring to Stuss’s brother who kept nagging Stuss until Stuss shot him. Stuss may or may not be drunk, as he wanders out. It is agreed to remake the baklava, even though Stuss would rather just walk into the sea.
In the shop, I don’t even know what’s going on. Stella has a branch in her mouth and Josh is making eyes at Alex. Someone asks Matty to make a face like a soap actor, but he doesn’t really understand what’s going on. As in, he doesn’t know he’s on TV or at dinner.
Steve and Stuss examine their lamb parcels. The parcels are split. Steve is panicking. Stuss wants Steve to not worry. Steve refuses this request. “They’re ruined,” he says. “They’re not ruined,” Stuss replies. “They’re not ruined,” Steve reiterates. All the bits are falling out of the parcels. It’s a tragic sight, “A Day In The Life” should be playing over the footage. Steve believes the flavour is all there, and they should rewrap them and do it right. Stuss believes he should go to the pub. Stuss begins singing “Always Look On The Bright Side of Life”. Steve does not join in, as he looks into the oven and ponders whether he could stick his head in.
It’s two hours since entree, and the guests would be getting impatient if they weren’t so drunk. “I’m expecting Stuss on a plate,” says Ash, and sadly she might be about to get it. “O Fortuna” plays as Stuss begins hauling lamb hither and yon and Steve assumes the appearance of Eric Morecambe’s corpse.
The parcels have been rewrapped in new paper, and the guests have begun biting each other. Steve angrily insists that the lamb should have flavour in it. Stuss disagrees: he believes kleftiko is one of those dishes where putting in flavour ruins it.
Three hours since entree and everyone in the shop is dancing in a grotesquely racist parody of Greek culture. After a couple of nights of relative consciousness, Jazzey is sleepwalking again.
Sometime the following week, main course is served. The tension is palpable as everyone waits to see whether Matty eats the paper. Steve says he’s feeling OK, which his face and body language vehemently deny.
Manu and Pete tuck in. Pete tells them the kleftiko smelt great but…but…but…he keeps saying “but” and the possibility that he’s having a stroke has to be considered. Eventually he gets around to telling Steve and Stuss that their lamb is awful. He hands over to Manu, who makes a noise like he’s trying to bring the lamb back up, and then tells them to go away. After that hearty recommendation, the guests have to plough through these disgusting hunks of garbage. Roula says she’d send it back if she were served it in a restaurant, but she says that about everything she eats.
“It can’t get any worse,” says Steve, the eternal optimist. Time now for baklava, a much-loved dessert that is not cooked inside paper, so there’s one thing they can’t fuck up. On the other hand, they made their own filo pastry, and it’s slightly burnt. Honestly why do they bother? The last two nights have been a cautionary tale about the dangers of excessive self-esteem. Mamas, do NOT let your babies grow up to go on MKR.
Having made a second batch of baklava that is burnt to replace the first batch of baklava that is horrible, Stuss can’t decide which failed baklava to serve. Steve is planning to fake his own death.
Meanwhile in the dining room Roula is angry that people are suggesting she’s bad at cooking just because the food she cooked was bad. There’s a hostile feeling in the air as the race to the bottom becomes heated.
Steve and Stuss bring in the possibly-inedible baklava. Pete and Manu somehow force it down. Pete’s piece was burnt. And dry. And left a bad taste in his mouth. It was the Roula of baklavas. Manu’s wasn’t burnt, which is something but not much. “You can talk the talk but you can’t plate the plate,” says Roula, whose instant restaurant gained a score of less than fifty percent.
Scoring time. Roula and Rachael give Steve and Stuss a four. They gave Kim and Suong a three. Remember that? A three.
“We deserve to be on the bottom of the leaderboard,” says Stuss, “we served food I wouldn’t serve my dog”. Which is an unfair comparison — I mean look at these people. In the end they get a total score of 49, pleasing Roula and Rachael because they are now the top-scoring team out of the complete incompetents. “We knew we were coming back,” says Rachael, using the term “coming back” to mean “sitting and bitching and waiting for someone even worse than us to stumble along”.
Tune in tomorrow, when Stella tries to wake Jazzey up.
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