Masterchef Recap: Old Red-Eyes Is Back
After the mild emotional ambivalence of Charlie’s departure, tensions are high in the Masterchef kitchen, as Brett, Trent and Chloe face off for an immunity pin, the bauble that provides safety from elimination but cannot provide protection from sadness, as much as all contestants wish it could fill the gnawing void within.
Chloe of course already has an immunity pin, which makes her participation in tonight’s challenge an act of naked greed. On the other hand, Brett is an airline pilot so doesn’t really need a new career, and Trent probably isn’t even on this show, so nobody deserves to win tonight at all.
“It’s a happy day,” says George, although this has never really been true for anything George has been involved in. The first round of the immunity challenge requires the contestants to walk into the kitchen and emit a forced laugh even though nothing amusing has happened. Apparently we’re to believe that seeing a stack of eclairs is incredibly funny. Another thing that isn’t funny is Matt saying, “we want you to ‘choux’ us what you can do”, but they all laugh at that too. Chloe is literally doubled over with laughter. Either they’re pumping gas into the kitchen, or the producers have made some extremely brutal threats towards the amateurs in the event that they refuse to laugh.
Anyway they have to make eclairs, which is great for Chloe because like 90% of Masterchef contestants she claims to really love desserts. Trent delivers a long and extremely boring lecture about eggs. He is going down the “traditional route”, by making eclairs that disapprove of sex before marriage. Brett is making something called a “creme pat” which we wouldn’t want to delve into too deeply. Gary tells him that it’s jaffa-flavoured and Brett shrugs and agrees so as not to cause friction. Meanwhile Chloe is wearing that great shirt that she wears sometimes.
Gary shouts, “Will we share your eclair? Not on your Nelly!” and everyone in the room is like WTF Gary?
Trent dices up some macadamia nuts because a man’s got to have a hobby. Chloe combines cream cheese with icing sugar in clear violation of God’s law. Brett needs more colour, which some of us have been saying since the start of the season.
Nicolette believes Brett’s got a good idea and that if he does the good idea in a good way then maybe his eclairs will be good, and thank God Nicolette is there to provide the kind of expert analysis we just couldn’t manage on our own.
Meanwhile Trent’s eclairs are too wet, which is an apt metaphor.
It’s time for Brett to start assembling. “Look at him go!” someone shouts from the balcony in the annoying way that people on the balcony have. Harry is worried about Trent as if it’s any of his business. Matt is making more choux puns. Death stalks everyone in the kitchen as surely as ever.
Trent is worried. He’s running out of time. Chloe is stressed because she wants all the immunity pins to herself. Brett needs something else to make it pop. He runs out to the garden to pick some flowers because he is the kind of awful person who would put flowers on a plate of food.
Time is almost up. “It’s literally down to the wire,” says Chloe, even though it’s not literally down to the wire because there’s no actual wire for it to be down to. Show me the wire, Chloe. Show me the wire or retract your statement.
Time is up. Brett is proud as punch, and almost as good a conversationalist. He serves his eclairs with their dumb flowers on them and the judges taste them instead of disqualifying him from the entire show for using flowers like they should. Matt says picking flowers from the garden shows “commitment to produce”, apparently under the illusion that flowers are “produce”, which they are not, they are flowers, and you can’t fricking eat them because they are flowers.
The judges find Brett’s eclairs delicious but lacking in crunch, which is basically Brett’s wife’s main complaint too.
Chloe is really happy with the presentation of her eclairs, even though she has disgracefully failed to clutter up her plate with stupid flowers. “What’s wrong with them?” asks George, causing Chloe to panic with his macho head games. Chloe’s choux is magnificent, if you believe the judges, which I don’t really. Shannon says her eclairs are “one step off Parisienne”, because he always sides with the cowards of old Europe. But Chloe’s cream cheese is less than perfect, losing her the endorsement deal from Philadelphia.
Trent’s eclairs look great but he loses points for a vaguely unsettling personality. The judges tell him he’s done a great job but you can tell they don’t like him much. Matt tells the other judges that it comes down to what kind of eclair you like — do you like a crunchy eclair like Chloe, or a creamy eclair like Trent, or an eclair that has been covered with a stupid flower like Brett?
“None of us expected to have three great eclairs in this challenge,” says Matt, confirming that the judges think all three contestants are crap. The judges overcome their shock at the amateurs’ competence long enough to declare Chloe the winner, which means she gets to cook off against a professional chef for her second immunity pin, and Brett and Trent have wasted their time completely.
The professional chef who will cook against Chloe is a man with a long and distinguished record that Matt goes on about for so long that you can tell it’s someone nobody has ever heard of. It’s a guy called, if I’m hearing Matt correctly, “Morgan Maglurggghghglln”, and apparently he’s renowned for his modern take on something or other, according to the cue card that Heather is reading off.
Chloe gets the choice of core ingredient: tea or coffee. It’s a difficult decision because they’re both pretty rubbish, but she chooses coffee because she’s sleepy. “I wonder if Morgan’s going to be as happy with that choice as you are, hahaha,” Gary says, continuing the “laughing at things that are not jokes” theme of the episode.
Chloe has 75 minutes, which is a pretty long time to make a cup of coffee. “Morgan seems to have a lot of experience,” she says, and yes, that’s kind of the point. She rushes into the pantry, where Shannon tells her that many chefs use instant coffee when making semifreddos. How tacky.
Everyone makes semifreddos these days. It’s the coward’s way out of desserts really. Chloe is calling her dish a “coffee bomb” in an incredibly tasteless reference to the tragedy of war.
Morgan Magraargifnb only gets 60 minutes for his dish, which is a bit unfair because the man is not built for speed. As he begins his preparation, the balcony cheers him mightily, for they desire nothing more than to see Chloe crushed. He plans to encrust a quail with coffee, which provokes Heather to pretend she’s an expert on the cuisine of the Deep South. I wish these people who aren’t even cooking would butt out.
“Today I’m cooking against Morgan from Bell’s Hot Chicken,” says Chloe because we came back from an ad and the producers assume we’ve already forgotten. She’s going to make a really thin ganache, because she doesn’t believe there’s a place for ganaches with realistic body shapes in the world of dessert. “Come on Chloe,” says the balcony for want of anything more interesting to say.
“Why do they call it red-eye gravy?”the balcony asks Morgan Murblegurble. Classic Dorothy Dixer. When will the balcony start asking the HARD questions of these “chefs”? Anyway apparently they call it red-eye gravy because it was invented by a vampire.
With half an hour to go, Chloe needs to get her meringue started, but is finding it really difficult to get motivated. After reading several Mamamia articles, she is energised and starts her meringue. Heather doesn’t know if Chloe will win her immunity pin if her meringue is not spot on. But there are a lot of unknowns tonight: for example I don’t know why Heather keeps commenting on everything.
Morgan Mabarblemarble is concerned that his sauce might be too bitter. But not that concerned. To be honest I don’t think he gives a shit about Masterchef at all. Not that he has to, because Chloe has over-whipped her meringue. According to meringue expert Matt the Amateur, this is not a good thing. Cheers mate.
As Chloe re-whips her meringue, Morgan Mmmbop stifles a yawn, pops out for a smoke, comes back in and sets off the smoke alarms by setting fire to his quail. He says the most important thing is the cauliflower, which is never true in any context.
With less than two minutes to go, Chloe needs to get her meringue out of her mixer, so to speak. But what if the meringue isn’t ready? The suspense is terrible. I mean, really, it’s terrible. There’s barely any suspense at all, it’s awful.
Suddenly Morgan Mammaryballs runs out to the garden to pick some nasturtiums, having been infected by Brett’s madness earlier. If this flower nonsense is the new trend in cookery then I am renouncing food. He places his flowers delicately on his dumb quail thing and then time is up. Everyone claps and hoots out of all proportion to the events just witnessed.
Chloe would like to think she’s done enough to win, but on the other hand chihuahuas would like to think they’re wolves.
The judges taste Morgan Mirabella’s southern-style quail, completely ignorant as to whether the professional chef who specialises in southern-style cuisine has made it or not, and they absolutely adore it except that it’s not that great really. The red-eye sauce is too red-eyed, apparently — ocular pigmentation is forever the southern chef’s downfall.
Chloe would like to think she’s done enough to win, again. “I’d like to think I’ve done enough” is fast becoming her catchphrase. Her semifreddo is served up and the judges hate it so much they immediately set it on fire. Strangely enough, they go on to eat it. “It’s certainly about the coffee,” says Gary, unnecessarily. George objects to the graininess of the meringue like the nit-picking pedant he is. “There’s no doubt it’s all about the coffee,” says Gary, terrified that his fellow judges might start thinking it’s not about the coffee. “Both dishes had flaws,” Matt says, continuing the pathetic charade.
Time for the moment of truth. Gary notes that Chloe winning another pin would change the competition. Everyone nods understandingly. “We reckon that Morgan you cooked the quail,” he goes on, as if this was a really clever deduction given that the quail was: a) cooked in a southern style; and b) done well. Morgan Mugububblymums gets an eight, a seven and a seven, for a total of twenty-two which isn’t much but probably more than Chloe’s train-wreck meringue will get.
Yep, Chloe gets three sixes from the evil stepjudges, and Morgan Mumblegrumbles goes away knowing he’s better than a complete amateur but still not all that good really. Eat at his restaurant if your standards are sort of mid-range I guess.
Tune in tomorrow night, when Kylie Kwong descends to feed upon the living.
