Masterchef Recap: Madame Tati’s Last Holiday

Previously on Masterchef: Tim, Tati and Anushka, despite being a great name for a folk-rock trio, instead failed miserably and were forced to don the black apron.

Tonight on Masterchef: Tim, Tati and Anushka don the black apron.

In the Masterchef house, the three losers reflect on their inadequacy. Tim swears to do what it takes to stay in the competition. This will probably include murdering Tati and Anushka, and one has to admire his determination.

At the Masterchef kitchen, Gary has a smug smile on his face, like a man whose career is safe no matter how badly he fucks up on TV. Also like a man who doesn’t have to stand next to George: he’s once again absent, and everyone rejoices.

“Australia has no shortage of talented chefs,” Matt exaggerates as he introduces someone who, according to him, is basically the only person in the country capable of making a dessert that can make you ejaculate in your pants. It’s Kirsten Tibballs, who Masterchef fans will remember as someone who pretends to be nice. In she comes, with that famous Tibballs smile: the one that says, “I hope you appreciate how hard it is to be associating with commoners like you”.

Kirsten has brought in a dessert that the losers must recreate. It is an “apple pie”, by which I mean it is not an apple pie. It’s an apple crumble, sort of. It’s got big fake green apples on top, made of vanilla custard or something. And there’s jelly and caramel and cream and stuff all through…