Masterchef Recap: Madame Tati’s Holiday

Previously on Masterchef: Jess, having discovered the insidious gap between enthusiasm and talent, failed to hold her meringues together and went home.

Tonight on Masterchef: amateurs strive for immunity against the deadly virus which Gary, George and Matt will soon unleash within the kitchen.

Legends Week continues on its spectacularly poorly-defined way. Matt Sinclair is here to mentor the amateurs who are going for immunity. Matt was on Masterchef himself, so he knows what it’s like to fail, and he will be helping them do so tonight. He also looks like Jez from Peep Show, so it’s a bit unsettling watching him run around the kitchen, eyes bugging out of his head at each contestant.

The immunity aspirants are Abbey, Steph, Tati and Larissa, demonstrating the show’s inherent misandry. Tati expresses her amazement that four weeks ago she was a “normal person”, but now she is despised by vast swathes of the community for being on a reality TV show.

The judges introduce Mentor Matt. His job will be to offer meaningless encouragement and dubious advice. Steph absolutely loves Matt, especially the flavours that he cooks with. You can tell by the way she says this that she has never in her life tasted anything that Matt has cooked and hasn’t the least idea what his flavours are like.

“Are you pumped?” George asks, with a weird little knee bounce. He holds up the immunity pin, taunting the amateurs with promises of treasures unattainable. He smirks, knowing they will never fulfil their dreams.

The first challenge is for the four amateurs to cook using only three appliances found in office kitchens: a microwave, a sandwich press, and a kettle. Steph isn’t sure what she’s going to do with it: a coffee toastie perhaps? They will have just forty-five minutes to assemble whatever garbage they come up with.

Rushing to the pantry, Steph sees eggplants and gets an idea. What a filthy, filthy person she is. Abbey is drawn straightaway to the snapper, one of the ocean’s most microwaveable fish.

“When I think of the microwave, I think popcorn,” says Larissa. She gets microwave popcorn from the pantry, but sadly she’s not going to serve it as is. She’s got squid and speck and all kinds of other gross things to go with it.

Tati is going to grill a spatchcock on the sandwich press, a perverted idea that in an earlier age would’ve caused her to be burnt as a witch. Times have changed and not for the better.

Abbey microwaves her cauliflower (not a euphemism), while Steph slices up her eggplant (also not a euphemism) and the judges discuss the things you can make with a microwave, a sandwich press and a kettle, things that bear no resemblance to anything the contestants are making.

We cut to a comment from Nicole, as if someone had asked for her opinion, yet strangely nobody had. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen. Everyone thanks Nicole for her contribution.

Larissa opens her popcorn. It’s burnt. Inexplicably, Larissa is not immediately kicked off the show for being unable to effectively operate a microwave: instead she gives it another go. Her indefatigable determination to microwave some popcorn will be an inspiration to millions of Australians.

George and Gary visit Tati’s bench to throw her off and make life harder for her. She takes their sabotage with good grace while she sandwich presses her chicken. The chicken looks ruined, but she seems happy.

Matt finally starts doing some mentoring, having hitherto just stood around scratching himself. He asks Abbey what she’s doing. Abbey tells him. Matt says that’s good. Insanely great mentoring going on here.

Larissa is busily making her popcorn grits, a traditional dish popular with people who lack tastebuds. Meanwhile Abbey is slowly cutting up her fish as if to say to viewers, “You’re next”.

Tati has put a pancake on the sandwich press, but it doesn’t look good. Then again, nothing served in this challenge is going to look good. They’re using shitty equipment and they will serve shitty food, that is a given. If it only looks bad, it’ll be a miracle.

Tati has another go at her pancake. It’s a difficult process, and it makes you wonder whether the sandwich press was designed to make pancakes in the first place. Finally she produces what she claims to be an attractive pancake. Looks just like the bad one to me.

There is much rejoicing when Gary and George tell Matt that for the first time ever on Masterchef, someone is using alfalfa. It’s Tati, who is planning to garnish her pancake with a variety of inedible garbage.

The balcony becomes animated as it cheers on Steph, the contestants making it clear that they love her and hate her rivals. It’s all they can do to refrain from spitting on the others.

Time is up and the terrible terrible challenge is over. “I can’t believe we’ve all managed to cook a dish that looks this amazing,” says Larissa, a sentence in which “this” is used to mean “not even a little bit”.

The judges taste Larissa’s random plate of various things including squid and popcorn. Matt accuses her of attempting to cram flavour into everything. Gary says she has too many things on the plate, although this wouldn’t be a problem if any of the things were edible.

Steph is next. She has made an eggplant curry and gross green slop in a little bowl. The judges find it messy and awkward, which is just how they like their food and themselves. Gary calls it brilliant. Matt says he loves it and says multiple adjectives. Matt says he felt like he was at his grandmother’s house, because he’s standing next to George who smells of formaldehyde. Larissa sheds a silent tear: she ain’t getting no pin.

Abbey steps up with cauliflower and something orange. “That is insanely delicious,” says George. You know, the way they’re rhapsodising over things made on office kitchen appliances, you wonder why anyone ever bothers with ovens and stoves and sous vide machines and so forth. If the food will be just as delicious cooked in a sandwich press, why waste the money?

Tati is last to serve, her Vietnamese pancake garish in hue and weird in texture, yet George is so pleased with it that his eyes bulge as if he’s choking, which he may well be given the way he shovels food down his gullet. “I wouldn’t change a thing,” says Matt Sinclair, even though there are many aspects of his lifestyle and career which could be improved.

The judges confer. Matt says a series of nouns. The other judges nod. George whispers erotically about his secret desires. Matt grins gormlessly.

I just realised there are two Matts in this episode. I hope none of the above is confusing in this respect. Tough shit if it is though, I can’t be bothered going back.

Anyway Tati wins because her neon yellow pancake was judged to resemble Lego more than the others. She will now cook off for an immunity pin against…

…the Legend…

…the myth…

…Donovan Cook.

Oh. OK.

I guess he must be pretty famous. “Masterchef famous”, that is, not real famous. His surname is Cook though, so that bodes well.

The task is to cook something using a thing from the garden: a herb, a vegetable, a wild frog, whatever. Tati gets to pick the garden thing, so her job is to think what will horrify Donovan the most. The judges will taste in a blind tasting, meaning they will pretend it’s not utterly obvious who cooked what.

Over to Matty — if we call him Matty it’ll differentiate him from Matt — to “mentor” Tati. He points at various plants in the garden and says things about him. Tati disregards his opinion and picks some chillies or something. It’s the spiciest chilli in the Masterchef garden, and she is hoping it will get in Donovan’s eyes and blind him permanently, giving her the advantage.

Tati tells Matty her plan for her dish. Matty says that’s fine, displaying his amazing mentoring skills yet again. “I want to prove that I can cook a really nice meal,” Tati says — up to now in her life she hasn’t.

After fifteen minutes of Tati chopping up pumpkins and talking about spices, Donovan enters the arena, his blood boiling at the injustice of his last appearance on the show, when he humiliatingly lost an immunity challenge to some pathetic loser.

Donovan wishes to do something subtle with the chilli, which is a bit of a waste. You’ve got the chillies, why not blow some heads off? Make it hot enough and you might actually put George in hospital.

Matty, whose job is to mentor Tati, is hanging around Donovan’s bench having a nice old chat about whiting. I hope he didn’t get paid too much to appear on this episode.

Tati is stirring a mixture of a truly revolting colour that puts one in mind of babies in gastric distress. Matty asks Tati what she’s doing with her chicken. She tells him. “Nice,” he says, offering no advice or insight whatsoever. He’s really getting on my fucking nerves.

Donovan takes his mussels out, if you know what I mean. He has too much chilli in his broth. Up on the balcony, Derek can smell the chilli. He’s worried that Donovan’s broth is too spicy. Donovan is a world-famous chef and Derek is nobody. It’s incredibly presumptuous of him to spout his half-witted opinions.

Nicole believes Donovan is hungry for redemption. Once again, we wonder who the hell asked her.

Matty once again visits Donovan, neglecting his job. He wants to know if Donovan is cooking his fish. Donovan is cooking his fish. Matty is satisfied with his news.

“My god, it’s a very stressful time in my life,” says Tati, and what’s more, she has to cook for an immunity pin. “Make it beautiful!” Matty shouts at her, sealing his reputation as the world’s worst mentor. Jez from Peep Show would actually have been better.

Meanwhile Donovan has decided on a complete reversal of tactics from his first Masterchef appearance, deciding to plate his dish up before time runs out. Could this be his masterstroke?

Time for the judges to taste the dishes, after Gary makes a speech about how he wants to kiss Donovan’s rosy lips. They taste Donovan’s. It’s fine. They taste Tati’s. Gary doesn’t like the presentation. Fucking snob. Apart from that, it’s fine, except that the judges don’t like it very much.

The judges give their scores. Having said they loved Donovan’s and do not love Tati’s, it’s not particularly hard to predict their decision. But still the farce has to be gone through. Tati loses. Donovan wins. He is redeemed, while she is exposed as a fraud and a charlatan. Humiliation follows. There will be no immunity pin for this impudent incompetent.

“It’s a great day for me,” Tati lies. In fact the whole day was a complete waste of time. I am disgusted and appalled.

Tune in tomorrow when everyone pretends street food is good.

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