Masterchef Recap: Fucking Pins

Last night three incompetent chefs battled to see who was the worst. Tonight three slightly more competent chefs battle to see who can humiliate a professional chef who has foolishly allowed their reputation to rest on a Masterchef challenge.

Reece doesn’t really do anything at the beginning, either. Like, he raises his arms up like he’s celebrating finishing something, but the shot has cut off what he’s finishing. It looks like he’s just wrapped his genitals in a ribbon and is showing us.

Sashi, Reece and Samira show up in a black car a la the Secret Service. “Being in an immunity challenge is kind of like the pinnacle of the competition,” says Reece, showcasing his ignorance of the meaning of the word “pinnacle”. Winning the competition is the pinnacle of the competition. By definition. Geez, they’re off to a bad start.

Gary welcomes them by telling them they’ve given Shannon Bennett the day off — to go with all the other days off he gets — and Gordon will be shadowing them menacingly all day. There are three immunity pins on offer, under the production company’s new “an immunity pin in every garage” policy.

“Let’s meet the three young guns who you’ll be versing today,” says Matt. Ugh. He says “versing”. Jesus Christ. Standards have plummeted.

VERSING.

JESUS.

Anyway the three chefs competing against (see how easy it is to say “competing against”? See how fucking EASY?) the amateurs are…

I dunno, three people I’ve never heard of. One is called John, one is called Jo, one is called Gavin. This is the extent of knowledge available about them. We only have their word for it that they work in the food industry.

The amateurs get to choose a pantry. They choose between fruit and vegetables. This is a terrible choice because neither fruit nor vegetables are good to eat. They have to agree on which pantry they want, which is a problem because Sashi and Samira want vegetables and Reece wants fruit because making things that aren’t desserts is strange and frightening to him.

Off they run to pick their ingredients. “Reece, where are you going?” asks Gordon. Reece replies with a description of his dish, but Gordon meant generally, in life. Reece is going to make a dessert out of cucumber, which is absolutely revolting. He should be ashamed of himself. Gordon should tell him to go to fuck.

“I know I’m competing against John and how much talent he has, so I know I have to nail it today,” says Reece, but this is untrue: he has no idea how much talent John has. Nobody knows how much talent John has. This is the first time anyone on earth has been aware of John’s existence.

Samira feels nervous and determined and surprisingly short. She is making pumpkin…something, with quail…somethings. Gordon gives her some helpful practical advice on how to go about it, immediately distinguishing himself from Shannon, inasmuch as he is doing something useful.

Sashi describes how he makes a curry. It’s as dull as you’d expect. Gordon gives him excellent advice on combining flavours in a complementary way. Sashi, used to Shannon, has no idea how to deal with an adviser who actually gives advice.

Gordon goes to see the professional chefs and insult them. They all high five, confident that being insulted by Gordon will be the highlight of their careers. The professionals enter the kitchen and are informed that they must emphasise vegetables in their dish, which is a shame as they’d been hoping to make something tasty.

Gavin is Scottish, by the way. Unless it’s John who’s Scottish. No I think it’s Gavin. It’s definitely not Jo. Or…no, Jo is the woman I think.

John has his mussels in the pot. If you know what I mean. “This dish is all about the broth,” he says. Sounds disgusting.

Meanwhile Jo is making a potato mille feuille, which sounds even more disgusting. Potato? She talks about “bringing the flavour of the potato out” and everyone retches. Gordon comes to her kitchen and informs her that she’s not allowed to use any fruit. Jo, who struggles with basic comprehension, doesn’t understand. Gordon picks up a packet of dried fruit and throws it feebly across the room, causing wild applause on the balcony. Jo sort of understands now.

Jo says she needs something sweet, something textural but really high in acid, as she searches for the perfect substance to hurl in Gordon’s face. She selects ginger. Gordon tells her she can use ginger. She knows she can use ginger, as this is why she chose it. But she is now marked forever as a moron, so Gordon is going to explain everything to her.

Gordon gives Samira some handy tips on preparing quail, as Shannon sits at home, grunting and swilling port.

“Get your shit together!” Gordon beseeches Sashi. Sashi laughs uproariously: it’s all in good fun; which is a bit of a shame. Gordon should be making them cry, not laugh.

After swearing at Sashi, he shames Gavin for his uncertainty while Gavin gathers leeks for no clear purpose. Gavin declares his desire to make Yorkshire pudding. Gordon is shocked by his lack of imagination. He demands to know how Gavin is going to make his dish interesting. “By cooking it really well,” says Gavin, like some kind of massive twat. Gordon wants to call him a massive twat but it’s not even eight o’clock yet so he’s not allowed to.

John discovers that Reece is doing a vegetable dessert. “I know he’s going to give me a run for my money,” John says, meaning, “What a fucken tool”. Reece is doing unnatural things with cucumber, but then anything you do with a cucumber is pretty unnatural. Nature intended us to leave cucumber alone.

Gordon urges Samira to bring the personality of her homeland to her dish. “OK,” says Samira, eager to get the scary man to stop talking at her. “Look at me,” Gordon demands. The one thing she hoped to never do. Gordon thinks she started her rice too early, but she’s just following the tradition of Azerbaijan, where rice is usually started three or four weeks before serving.

Gordon moves on to Jo. “Why potatoes?” he asks. Jo answers, but her answer is stupid and annoying. There is no good answer to the question. A potato dessert is unjustifiable, unless you compare it to, say, a cucumber dessert.

Gordon skips over to tell Sashi to stop fucking around and fucking cook properly you fuck. He doesn’t phrase it like that, but he should’ve.

Meanwhile Reece is shaving really thin slices of cucumber, which is a disgraceful way to behave and the people I really feel sorry for is his family, having to watch him degrade himself like this. Gordon gives him some advice regarding cucumber seeds and water and also he mentions a cigar at some point, so things are really getting messed-up in the kitchen.

Meanwhile John needs something sort of creamy for his dish. He goes to the pantry, where there is cream, one of the creamiest things in the world. Instead he gets some tofu, which is gross, because apparently gross is today’s theme.

Gordon wants to know what Jo will do if her layering of the potato doesn’t work. She has no good answer for this either. Suddenly Gordon lifts Gavin bodily into the air, as madness takes hold of the entire group. Gordon asks Gavin where the beef is. Gavin says the beef is in the fridge. Gordon asks what fuck, dude? Gavin is a lost soul.

Gordon checks on Sashi’s progress. “Shit,” he observes.

Gordon chases Samira out of the kitchen to get some plates. Reece runs into the garden to pick flowers, having completely forgotten that he’s in a cooking competition. “Talk about the plate,” Gordon tells Reece, who unfortunately does so.

John has tomatoes in an ice bath, which is nothing to boast about.

Samira tastes her dish and believes it is delicious, the poor deluded fool. “The flavours are all there,” she says, rather unoriginally.

“Everybody’s screaming,” says Jo, putting her finger on the worst aspect of Masterchef. I can’t imagine how many instances of a cook telling everyone on the balcony to shut the fuck up they’ve had to edit out over the years.

“Less is more,” Gordon says to Sashi, then forces Sashi to repeatedly scream it as loud as possible. It doesn’t work: Sashi is still laughing, not realising Gordon is trying to break him.

Time is up. Everyone breaks down in tears. Choppers arrive to evacuate the wounded. Whiter Shade Of Pale plays over the speakers.

The judges take their seats. “Shall we get the first pair of dishes in?” asks George. “No,” say the others, “stop trying to dictate to us.”

First is Jo’s gross potato thing versus Samira’s pumpkin quail whatsit. They’re both fine, according to the judges, who are too gutless to admit that potatoes were a dumb idea.

Next is Gavin’s beef whatever versus Sashi’s less-is-more-is-less curry. Sashi’s doesn’t have enough vegetables in it, proving that less is less. Gavin’s also doesn’t have enough vegetables in it. They are both warmed-over garbage and will be punished.

By the way, applications are now open for next year’s Masterchef, so if you have a cute grandmother who can’t speak English or want to spend some time away from your kids, go for it!

Anyway, after the ad break Matt opines that there’s not a lot of joy or pleasure coming off the plate, suggesting that his expectations are simply too high.

Last is Reece’s revolting cucumber sorbet versus John’s revolting tomato and shellfish slop. In the latter, Matt doesn’t mind the texture of the tofu, which is a big call. On the other hand, he thinks John’s dish smells like the docks on a warm day, which is not as big a compliment as the untrained ear might think. Putting that quote in the window of his restaurant may backfire.

On the other hand they like the cucumber thing, so who can trust these maniacs?

The final scores are in: Samira’s quail and pumpkin good, but not as good as Jo’s potato and ginger weirdness.

Sashi’s curry not particularly good, but Gavin’s even less particularly good, which means Sashi wins an immunity pin for a dish that the judges rated 20/30. A travesty I am sure you’ll agree.

John’s tomato and shellfish slop pretty average and disappointing, and Reece’s cucumber abomination apparently wonderful despite being revolting, so Reece gets an immunity pin too even though his cooking is against God and nature. Even more of a travesty. Everything is ashes. The world is dead.

It only remains for Gary to tell Gordon how much better he is than Shannon, and then we’re out. Tune in tomorrow, when Gordon still won’t call anyone a cunt.

Fuck cucumber. If you agree, support my Patreon.

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