Masterchef Recap: Coming the Raw Prawn

Previously on Masterchef: The worst cooks fought hard to prove they were slightly less bad at cooking than at least one other person, but Derek only managed to prove he was exactly as bad at cooking as the worst cook, and therefore went home to cry into his biceps.

Tonight on Masterchef: the amateurs head to Western Australia to learn how to cook iron ore.

The episode begins with the amateurs in a helicopter. “I can’t believe I’d get this far,” says Tessa in that weird voice she keeps putting on to deliberately alienate people.

They’re not all in the same helicopter. There are two. So if one crashes, not all of them die.

Then suddenly they’re running onto the field at Optus Stadium. That was a bit fucking sudden, wasn’t it? We didn’t even see the choppers land. “I feel like a footy player running onto the field,” says Tim, even though the stadium is empty and he’s wearing an apron, so it’s obvious that he’s not a footy player and indeed the very idea is laughable.

Suddenly the big screen lights up, and the judges appear on it, unwilling to share a football field with these smelly peasants. They welcome the amateurs to Perth, which is really not their place, because they’re not even from Perth. The judges tell them that this week, one of them will go straight into Finals Week, and one of them will be eliminated, as this week is all about elongation. “I so want to get into Finals Week,” says Tessa. No fucking duh, Tessa. I can only assume that…