Masterchef Recap: Bad Food Made By Bad People

Previously on Masterchef: a bunch of losers didn’t make it to Finals Week because they sucked.

Tonight on Masterchef: people who didn’t suck are in Finals Week.

Yep. It’s come down to this. The creme de la creme of amateur cooks who weren’t good enough to qualify for any of the previous nine seasons are pitted against each other in a cutthroat competition to see who will be declared Australia’s Masterchef for 2019, and who will have to be content with hosting a fairly dull show about artisanal cheese on SBS in three years.

The finalists:

Simon: a fan favourite for his winning smile and tendency to get hair in the food. Simon specialises in bold flavours and genital-shaped dishes.

Nicole: Also known as Tessa, Nicole is an expert on fusion and poisons.

Anushka: this lively forest sprite is the subject of myriad folk legends from central and eastern Europe, and is said to steal the breath of bad children.

Tim: he was eliminated once, but in the grand tradition of cheats, Tim is somehow still there. He will be hoping to prove in Finals Week that not being good enough to be here is no barrier to success. He can cook steak up to three different ways.

Larissa: specialising in desserts and bad manners, Larissa can make ice-cream with her eyes closed, a major handicap in a competition where all are required to keep their eyes opened. Has declared that if allowed to…