HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS: A GUIDE FOR MEN

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How to talk to a woman who is attending her parents’ funeral

1. Stand in front her (with 1–1.5 metres between you, and at least 2 metres between you and the open grave)
2. Have a confident, easygoing-yet-respectful-of-the-dead smile.
3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, get her attention with a wave of the hand, or by singing a short, mournful hymn.
4. When she looks at you, smile, point to her father’s coffin and confidently ask, “So, are all your parents’ orphaned children so beautiful?”
5. Try not to fall into the grave as she hurls herself violently into your arms and covers your face with burning kisses.

How to talk to a woman who is currently running a marathon

1. Jog alongside her (with no more than 50 centimetres between you)
2. Hand her a plastic cup of Gatorade.
3. Get her attention with a wave of the hand or by throwing water in her face.
4. When she looks at you and gives you her attention, smile, point to her feet and say, “Can you stop running this marathon for a minute?” If she doesn’t understand that you want her to briefly stop competing in an athletic competition, simply gesture that you want to talk to her by pointing back and forth from you to her and say, “I want to talk to you and my knees hurt.” In most cases you won’t have to go to that extreme because most women would much rather talk to you than run a marathon.
5. When she stops running, “acknowledge the awkwardness” by mentioning something about the potential awkwardness of the situation (see conversation below):

You: [smile in friendly, confident manner] Hey — I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone in the middle of a marathon, but I was walking along and saw you and thought — wow, she’s tapered her training load perfectly, I have to come over and say hi. I’m Bucephalus, what’s your name?

Woman: Galatea.

You: [Add in some humour to get her smiling and create a spark between you] Cool…nice to meet you Galatea. I don’t normally talk to marathon runners, because a lot of them are black and I’m very racist.

Woman: [Possibly smiling or laughing]

You: [Let her know you have something else to do besides talk to her] Anyway I was just on my way to get a kidney transplant, how about you?

Woman: [removes clothes]

How to talk to a woman who is in a coma

1. Lean in very close to her face to make sure that she can hear you — coma victims are notoriously hard of hearing.
2. Scream, “I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU PLEASE!” in her ear.
3. If she hasn’t already woken up, lightly poke her in the eye.
4. Have a confident, easygoing smile.
5. When she looks at you and gives you her attention, smile, point to her IV and confidently ask, “Can you cut off your medication for a minute?” If she doesn’t understand this, pinch the tube yourself. In most cases you won’t have to do this because most women are polite.
6. When she wakes up to talk to you, “acknowledge the awkwardness”:

You: [smile in a friendly, confident manner]: So, having other people dispose of your bodily waste for you must be quite an experience.

Woman: [possibly smiling or laughing]

How to talk to a woman who is screaming obscenities and firing a gun at you

1. Stand in front of her (with a wall or other sturdy structure between you)
2. Have a confident, easygoing Kevlar vest.
3. If she hasn’t already looked at you, get her attention with a wave of the hand.
4. Bandage your hand.
5. When she gives you her attention, smile, point to her gun and confidently ask, “Could you stop trying to murder me for a minute?” as you pretend to be putting a gun on the ground so she fully understands what you mean. If she doesn’t understand that you want her to stop shooting at you, simply gesture that you want to talk to her by pointing back and forth from you to her and say, “It’s hard to hear over the gunfire”.
6. “Acknowledge the awkwardness”:

You: I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone who is actively trying to kill them, but I was running for my life and I thought — wow, she’s a cutie, I have to come over and say hi. I’m Pythagoras, what’s your name?

Woman: Frank.

You: [Add in some humour to get her smiling and create a spark between you] Cool — nice to meet you Frank. I don’t normally talk to girls who want me dead, but your big automatic rifle just “triggered” something in me!

Woman: [possibly smiling or laughing]

You: So I was just on my way to church to be baptised, how about you?

Woman: [bathing naked beneath a waterfall] I long only to feel your seed grow inside me.

How to talk to a woman who has thrown herself into a fathomless abyss deep below the earth’s surface in order to get away from you

1. Stand on the edge of the chasm, staring into oblivion.
2. Have a confident, easygoing smile.
3. Shout into the blackness, “I don’t normally talk to girls who would prefer a nightmarish plunge into the bowels of the earth to my company, but I was chasing you into this blasted subterranean hellscape and I thought — wow, she’s hot. I guess something about the terrifying lengths to which you were willing to go to ensure that I played no further part in your life was calling out to me.
4. Enjoy many long years of happy marriage.

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