Previously on The Bachelorette, AKA Who Wants To Debase Himself For A Shot At The Undies Of A Fame-Starved Ex-Popstar?, Jarrod went completely mental and Blake’s eyebrows became ever eviller.
Tonight, we begin with all the bachelors hanging out in the mansion, chatting to each other about how much fun it is to be a commodity. In walks TAFKAAG with an envelope containing the promise of a single date. Out walks TAFKAAG with the knowledge that his function in society is both threadbare and unnecessary. This prompts much speculation as to who will be selected for the date, and also a reminder from Jarrod about how he made her stomp grapes on the first night. Which you wouldn’t think is something he’d want to remind anyone of, since it was the first big sign that he is a psychopath.
Actually the date goes to Apollo. “Today’s date is all about old-fashioned romance,” says Sophie, harking back to when she saw Apollo without a shirt on and was struck with a desire to old-fashioned romance his brains out. She has organised a “1950s-style” date, which means she picks him up in an old car wearing a scarf on her head, and then I guess they’re going to enlist in the Korean War.
Apollo and Sophie discuss social media, and then Sophie says something that I heard as, “I have lice”, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t actually it. Then Sophie starts quizzing Apollo. He reveals that he used to be scared of butterflies, so they take a photo of themselves with Sophie pretending to be a scary butterfly and Apollo pretending to be scared. Then he says he likes foot massages so they take a photo of her massaging his foot. I don’t understand this date at all. Is this how people dated in the fifties? They questioned each other and then took photos of the answers? What a hellish era.
I’m not quite sure how, but they end up juggling in the garden. Sophie won’t shut up about how attractive Apollo is, but she’s worried that he’s too young. Or to be more precise, she’s not worried that he’s too young at all, but the “twist” in this episode is that a bunch of old dudes are about to show up, so she’s been instructed to get all angsty about age.
Back at the mansion a group date has been announced. Jarrod is excited to be on the group date, because he has lost his mind and is looking forward to the opportunity to impress Sophie by killing and eating his fellow suitors.
On the date, meanwhile, a roaring fire has been lit and Sophie has dressed as a murderer to light a similar blaze in Apollo’s loins. Sophie asks Apollo to teach her to dance, which is a weird thing to do because…she’s Sophie Monk. Has she forgotten who she is? Anyway they have a slow romantic dance and Sophie pretends that it’s the first time she’s ever done this. Then they sit down and have a chat and Apollo says he wasn’t going to go on the show until he found out that Sophie was the Bachelorette, which is very stalkery, but Sophie finds it sweet. Apollo goes on to confess that his life has involved “experiences” that mean that although he is only 24, he carries himself with the maturity of a man of 27. Sophie responds to Apollo telling her that he once had a heart attack and nearly died by confiding that she, too, has had “problems with my body”, but doesn’t elaborate on the grounds that she’d sound like an idiot.
“Do you feel like you’re ready to fall in love?” Sophie asks Apollo. Apollo swears that he is definitely ready to fall in love. With a woman, not with a lucrative deal for a series of televised magic specials. Then Sophie gives Apollo a rose, and he goes outside to play in the sandpit.
Next day the bachelors who were selected for the group date meet on a polo field, chosen out of fear that the show didn’t display enough white privilege. Here Sophie greets them and informs them that today she will be hunting the most dangerous game.
Haha, can you imagine? That would be wonderful. But no, instead, TAFKAAG makes a speech about how Sophie is feeling her oats but really hates young people. Then he reveals that four intruders are about to barge into the show on a helicopter. Sophie reacts with impressively almost-convincing shock, doing this cute little comedy routine where she acts “surprised”.
Yes, it’s a Twist That Will Change The Game Forever. But the twist has a twist of its own: all the intruders are older than the first batch of Bachelors. The first one out is Guy, who is 37 but looks 19, and talks like stroke victim trying to impersonate Prince Harry.
The young men are all insanely jealous. Of Guy, that is: for some reason Sophie seeing another man is worse than Sophie seeing…well, all the other men she has been seeing. Sam complains that Guy didn’t look him in the eye, which means “he’s either nervous or an arsehole.” And Sam would know: he’s been an arsehole for decades.
Next intruder is AJ, who is also 37, but looks 55. Couldn’t they find a 37-year-old who looks 37? AJ has kids already, but this doesn’t faze Sophie, who simply sees it as a good indicator of functional gonads, which is her number one concern.
Hayden is more threatened by AJ’s personality than by Guy’s looks, but there’s not much point Hayden making any distinctions between different threats, because he has more chance of being appointed governor-general than winning this show.
Next is Paul, who is 39 but has long hair like some kind of wild young hippie. He’s a law student, and is frankly taking way too long to finish school. He has five sons, which shocks everyone and carries with it a certain amount of menace, as like most fathers, he has no doubt trained his sons to attack his enemies. He is also a grandfather, which is great, because the Bachelor/ette franchise doesn’t feature enough grandparents.
The last intruder, intriguingly, is someone Sophie has met before. But we’ll have to wait until Nikki from The Bachelor has advertised contact lenses that make your eyes look weird like Nikki from The Bachelor, to find out who it is. Thinking through people Sophie has met before, I’m betting it’s either Tom DeLonge from Blink 182, Senator Kim Carr, or John Blackman.
No, actually it’s just some guy called Stu who owns a pub. This is possibly the most disappointing reveal in the history of Australian television.
Stu has brought Sophie a bottle of wine, which infuriates Ryan, because it’s such a cliche, bringing a woman a bottle of wine. Why not be creative like Ryan, who always greets a woman with the gift of inexplicable aggression?
Stu and Sophie talk for about half an hour about the time when Sophie stood Stu up because he was incredibly boring. The young bachelors consider Stu the greatest threat at all, because of his pre-existing history with Sophie. Although that pre-existing history consists of Sophie deciding that she didn’t want to date him, so I’m not sure he’s that much of a threat.
TAFKAAG, drunk with power, announces that tonight four bachelors will be sent home. But first, everyone has to play bicycle polo, because humiliation is the show’s raison d’etre. It’s all good fun, unless you’re Jarrod, who decides that the way to impress Sophie is to take a stupid game far too seriously and try to physically injure other men in front of her. It works to such an extent that he knocks Blake off his bike, drawing blood and causing Sophie to nurse him tenderly back to health. Smooth move Jarrod you dickhead.
The old men win the game and everyone behaves as if that matters. Then this shameful period in our national history comes to an end. Jarrod is upset that the old men beat him, but he is happy that he got to hurt them, which is a real promising sign for any lady thinking about dating him.
That night, the young men drink beers and discuss amongst themselves what giant pieces of shit the old men are for coming in here and upsetting the idyllic love nest they have established. The integrity of The Bachelorette, they agree, has been violated. Sophie shows up to hammer this point home.
“Sending four guys home is hard for me,” says Sophie, who is just so incredibly greedy for the D she can’t stand to give up any. Then she asks Hayden to come for a chat, which is the first time in Hayden’s life that anyone has voluntarily started a conversation with him. Hayden returns, with no sign of what the conversation might have been, and AJ sets off with Sophie to discuss baldness and impotence.
TAFKAAG interrupts the passive-aggressive bitchiness to tell all the Bachelors that it is time to assemble for the crushing of dreams. The Rose Ceremony cometh, and there will be four fame-hungry single men crywanking the night away soon.
Blake hopes the four intruders will go, which is very likely: the producers bringing four men in by helicopter and then immediately sending them all home. Blake believes they “don’t deserve time with Sophie”, as opposed to Blake, who has really earned time with Sophie by putting extra product in his hair and wearing the most expensive variety of Lynx. Meanwhile Jarrod is banging on about how he proved his love for Sophie in the bicycle polo game, which is as always very very creepy.
Anyway here’s Sophie.
Luke gets a rose because they don’t know his address so the driver wouldn’t know where to take him if he left.
Stu gets a rose because Sophie really wants to destroy him all over again.
Guy gets a rose because he’s an insufferable douchebag and that is Sophie’s type.
Blake gets a rose because he is an evil Adam Scott puppet.
Ryan gets a rose because of contractual obligations.
Mack gets a rose because I dunno, who the fuck is “Mack”?
James gets a rose because he’s cuddly.
Sam gets a rose because Sophie just bought some new nit shampoo and she wants someone to use it on.
Jarrod gets a rose because if he doesn’t get a rose he will burn the mansion down.
Then suddenly Sophie runs out of the room. This is a shocking development, made all the more stunning by how moving it isn’t. Sophie cries to TAFKAAG about how hard it is to send four men home without even boning them. Then she comes back in and resume the emotional terrorism.
AJ gets a rose because his head is polished to a sexy sheen.
And so Paul, Hayden, Brett and Harry go home: Paul because Sophie isn’t ready to be a grandmother, Brett because she doesn’t remember who he is, Harry because he’s only three years old, and Hayden because he’s the least attractive man she has ever seen and no woman in her right mind would ever want to even breathe the same air as him, let alone touch his horrible Eighties beard. I mean, not to be harsh or anything.
Tune in next time, when Jarrod finally goes on his long-promised killing spree.
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