Bachelorette Recap: Sophie’s House of Horrors
I knew in advance that on tonight’s Bachelorette something awful would happen, for two reasons:
- I’d seen the promos where they showed something awful happening.
- Something awful happens on every episode of The Bachelorette.
As always, we grit our teeth and get on with it. We begin at the mansion, where Blake is mocking Jarrod for being unable to grow a plant, the most reliable sign of a weak, effeminate man. Jarrod is absolutely furious at what he imagines to be Blake’s sabotage of his plant, because Jarrod is, essentially, insane.
But anyway, here comes TAFKAAG to whip an envelope out of his pants and then go away, a job that requires more skill than you might think, assuming you think it requires less than no skill. The envelope contains a single date for Stu, which enrages Sam, who calls it an “injustice” — it’s just so unfair that some randomly-selected man should get a date with Sophie prior to several other randomly-selected men getting a date with Sophie.
Here comes Sophie herself, on a boat, reflecting on the time she stood Stu up a year ago, before she realised exactly how rich he was. Stu asserts that he has “put everything on the line” for Sophie, without specifying exactly what that involves. Has he pledged to commit suicide if he doesn’t win? Are his children in a vault with guards who have been instructed to fill it with poison gas the moment he gets sent home? I’m really interested in what this “everything” that Stu has put “on the line” is, because at the moment it looks like what he’s put on the line is several weeks’ free time.
Whatever the case, the date has to be gotten on with. Sophie is “just interested to see if we’re compatible”, but it’ll be difficult because Stu doesn’t have any bank statements on him right now. On the boat, Sophie and Stu discover that they are both the second child in their families, which Sophie finds stunning — she had no idea they were so similar! Meant to be or what?
Suddenly the boat is surrounded by dolphins, hired by the Ten Network. Sophie, who has always had a thing for Aquaman, finds he heart melting for this man who has the power to attract sea creatures.
Sophie and Stu now play golf on the deck of the boat, because they wanted to find an innovative way to kill the dolphins. “The whole reason I chose golf is I’ve seen movies,” says Sophie, revealing hitherto unknown depths. As is traditional in golf, Stu stands behind Sophie and gropes her like a drunken lecher. Then we have to watch them just, kind of, playing golf. Many mentions of balls and holes follow which is funny because of sex. They make a stupid wager about kisses and then an even stupider one about Stu buying dinner — it’s obvious he’s going to have to buy dinner no matter what happens because Channel Ten has no money.
Back at the mansion, the bachelors talk about Stu, who everyone agrees is old. Sam tells Apollo that Stu is twenty years older than Apollo. Apollo agrees that Stu is twenty years older than him. Mack tells Apollo that Stu is old enough to be Apollo’s dad. Apollo agrees that Stu is old enough to be his dad. It is an utterly gripping conversation. Meanwhile Blake is feeling confident because he is just like Stu except younger and handsomer and with eviller eyebrows.
Back on the boat Sophie has decided that it’s time to find out what Stu’s whole deal is. Stu’s whole deal is apparently that he is a middle-aged man with not a hell of a lot going on. “This is possibly the biggest risk I’ve ever taken in my life,” says Stu, again without going into detail as to what exactly he is risking. “Same for me,” says Sophie, who by going on this show has risked, I don’t know, her false eyelashes falling off or something. Stu wants to make it clear that he is here because Sophie is worth risking a vague and nebulous concept of something for.
Stu tells the camera that every minute with Sophie, he is “developing feelings”, which is a big deal because he never had any before. For her part, Sophie says Stu makes her nervous, which is probably because his fly is open and he carries a machete.
Then she gives him a rose and they kiss and Stu keeps talking while he’s kissing her which makes this kiss even more off-putting than every other kiss on this show.
As the episodes trudges glacially towards its conclusion, Sophie has the boys over for a nice relaxed night just sitting around braiding each other’s hair and measuring each other’s dicks or something. It’s important to note that this group date is taking place in a house that is definitely genuinely where Sophie really lives in real actual life. Also it’s Sam’s birthday: he is turning thirty-dickhead years old.
And here’s where things get truly horrific, as Sophie announces to the bachelors that they are going to have to wear onesies. Like, animal onesies. “I love onesies, I have so many at home,” she burbles, as if this is a cute character trait and not a sign of a serial killer. Every man on this show stands condemned for his failure to immediately say, “No I will not do this” and walk out forever. They all look like complete fuckwits, because that’s what they are. I’m not saying the animal onesies episode is quite at “Hamish Blake pretending to be a toddler on The Bachelor” levels…but it’s a lot closer than any TV show should be.
The cooking is done by Jarrod and AJ. Remember AJ? Yeah…he’s a bald guy? Dressed as a kangaroo? Oh, that might be just tonight. Jarrod throws himself into the cooking with all the gusto of a really stupid guy who thinks that a woman will want to run off and live on a dirt farm if she thinks the farmer can make a taco faster than anyone else.
Throughout the night Sam keeps on making fun of Stu for being old, while Jarrod stares angrily into space and plans the order in which he will slaughter all of them like pigs. Sam’s chosen method of making fun of Stu is a weird kind of mutant-Jimmy Stewart voice that he clearly thinks is much funnier than it actually is, because the impression we get is that he does it basically all night.
Sophie has a game organised: the guys can write any question they like on a piece of paper, put it in a bowl, and Sophie will read them out. It’s not really a game, of course, but it’s apparently the best Sophie can come up with. She’s never heard of Scrabble.
The first question is “Who is most into Sophie?” Blake says it’s Jarrod, who is still staring with Dahmer-like intensity into the distance. Stu says it’s Mack, who you’ll remember as the crazed goblin who wrote Sophie an awful song to introduce himself. Mack cheerfully admits to being creepily obsessed with Sophie, believing this to be what is attractive to women. “I had no idea Mack had a crush on me,” Sophie simpers. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN? THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE, THEY ALL HAVE FUCKING CRUSHES ON YOU YOU TWAT.
Sorry, just had to put that out there.
Next question is “Who is the biggest threat?” The answer, obviously, is Jarrod, because he is going to murder everyone.
“I’m falling for Sophie, does anyone else feel they could get their heart broken?” is the next question. Apollo notes that eight of them are going to have their hearts broken, although that’s not really true because some of them are there for career reasons, and at least a couple are hired extras.
Meanwhile Jarrod is still not talking. He’s just staring, and planning.
But here we go. Next question, “Who sabotaged Jarrod’s pot plant?” Jarrod expresses his anger at the sabotage, though strangely enough expresses no anger at being forced to wear a giraffe costume all night.
Jarrod accuses Blake of pissing in the plant. Blake denies pissing in it. Jarrod points out that Blake admitted to it, back at the mansion, when Blake made a joke about pissing in it and Jarrod continued his lifelong habit of not knowing what jokes are. Jarrod is about ready to get out the 12-gauge. Sam says he knows that Blake pissed in the plant, but I find it hard to believe Sam knows anything.
After Jarrod is force-fed a few Valium, Sophie tells the guys that she has arranged (meaning, someone from Channel Ten has arranged) for their families to send something to remind them of their childhood. Which leads to some extremely sweet and boring scenes.
James, who surprises everyone by being there, gets his childhood stuffed rabbit. Jarrod gets his blankie, from when he was a child and he hadn’t yet massacred his family. Blake makes a joke about how tiny the blankie is, and Jarrod angrily tells him to shut up because how dare anyone make fun of a man’s beloved piece of fabric.
Jarrod now starts sniffing his blankie, breathing in the fumes of a thousand lonely nights alone in his bedroom, wiping up various fluids with it. Blake finds the whole spectacle unseemly, because evil as he might be, he is still relatively normal compared to Jarrod.
The rest of the childhood memorabilia is glossed over rapidly because it is not interesting at all. Apart from Apollo, who also gets a stuffed rabbit and is delighted because this show is the first time he’s spent a night away from it.
Now Jarrod starts crying, which would be moving if it weren’t for the fact he’s dressed as a giraffe, so it just looks hilarious. He walks out of the room and Sophie chases him. Clever move, Jarrod. He tells Sophie of all the complex emotions that the dirty bit of cloth has aroused in him. Sophie feels absolutely no guilt for making a man cry, the heartless harpy.
“This thing with Jarrod is the realest thing we’ve seen,” says…some guy. Luke? I think his name is Luke. Blake objects to this assessment, pouring scorn on the idea that a blanket could make a man burst into tears. It’s a cold-hearted way of viewing the world, but on the other hand, come on Jarrod.
At the end of the night, Sophie tells everyone to piss off except Mack, who she wants to get to know more. “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for,” says Mack, terrifying us all: is he going to sing another song?
Mack, dressed as a leopard, sits with Sophie, dressed as — I don’t even know what she’s dressed as…a rabbit? A polar bear? Something. Sophie asks him why he likes her. Mack gushes forth with some really creepy stalkerish sentiments about how beautiful and famous she is ad how he has her poster on his bedroom wall and saved all the copies of Smash Hits with her on the cover and he glued photos of his head onto all of them. “I have qualities I look for in a partner, and you seem to have them,” he says — most of these qualities can be defined as “being the blonde one out of Bardot”.
“My time with Sophie went great,” says poor deluded Mack. “I gave her my heart on a platter,” he goes on, not realising that Sophie is just as unsettled as if he had literally done this.
It’s rose ceremony time, and only six to be handed out, meaning two men are going home, their hopes of joining the cast of Neighbours slightly dented.
“I want that rose,” says Jarrod in his best Anton Chighurh manner. “I would die for a rose.” Though he’d much rather make other people do so.
James gets a rose because why not, he seems like fun to keep around. Like a guinea pig.
Jarrod gets a rose because they need time to assemble enough security to make it safe to not give him one.
Apollo gets a rose because he’s hot.
Blake gets a rose because that pissing in the pot plant thing is pretty funny.
AJ gets a rose for reasons nobody could possibly fathom.
So it’s Sam, Mack, and…Luke? Yeah, Luke. Only one of them will survive. I mean all of them will survive, it’s just two of them will experience mild disappointment.
And she picks…
Sam. I guess his old-man voice was sexier than I realised.
And so Mack goes home, where he will spend the rest of his life smearing his own blood and faeces over the thousands of Sophie Monk photos plastering his walls. And Luke goes home, where he will spend the rest of his life the same way we will: trying to remember whether he was ever on The Bachelorette.
Before Mack leaves, Sophie takes him outside to explain that she is sending him home because he is essentially a less attractive version of Gollum. That’s the subtext anyway: in reality she just cries a bit and says nothing and he wanders off into the night, where he meets and falls in love with the otter from episode one.
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