Australian Survivor Recap: Blind Freddy, Unheeded
Previously on Australian Survivor, Nick proved that he’s not only obnoxious, he’s also a crybaby. Then he went home and everyone cheered. Also Kylie hung onto a pole for a really long time.
Tonight on Australian Survivor: everyone heads back to camp and talks about how awful Nick was, and pretends not to be worried about the fact that Brooke, Flick and El are controlling them all. A consensus is reached: Nick was very mean for saying that the three women were playing everyone, and it’s best if everyone just relaxes and lets themselves be eliminated one by one.
In the morning Jennah Louise and Matt have a whispered conversation regarding Nick’s revelations, while a chicken listens with increasing consternation. Matt is very sad because he has no friends, but he cheers up when he realises that pretty soon he will be off the island and/or dead.
Flick gets to work convincing people that Nick was lying about her alliance with Brooke and El, a difficult job that will require the people she convinces to be extremely stupid. She might be in luck though: they all are. Flick talks at length to Sue about how much she wants to be BFFs, while Sue studiously avoids looking at Flick, loathing the dishonesty and firmness and youth in her face.
“Blind Freddy could see that the three girls are running the show,” says Sue privately, but unfortunately Blind Freddy was eliminated on Day 7. “Not in a fit would I take orders from Flick, Brooke and El,” she adds, but this is a risky strategy that depends heavily on her not suffering a fit.
As the gang sits around the fire hating each other, they stave off boredom by fondling various sticks, while Brooke declares her determination to “focus on her game”. She is incredibly scared that the people not in her alliance of three might suddenly realise that maths is a thing, and vote them out. Fortunately the history of American Survivor indicates that fewer than three percent of contestants are ever intelligent enough to act in their own self-interest.
Meanwhile Flick calls Matt “sooky” because he has the audacity to not want to lose. Flick wants to eliminate Matt because her heart is cold and her soul belongs to the Dungeon Dimensions. Brooke agrees, but is a little dubious as she is keen to eliminate Kylie just because, I dunno, she hates firefighters I guess.
Matt is deeply depressed. He can’t believe his life has led him to this point: sitting on a freezing wet beach in his jeans telling a camera crew about how lonely he is. Before he left home his fiancee told him his biggest weakness was his desire to be liked by everyone. His fiancee is always doing cute things like that: her love of defining his weaknesses was what first attracted him to her. He realises now that she was right, and he was a damn fool to ever believe in human affection.
Thank Christ the misery stops for a bit as we get to a challenge. The Other asks Kylie how it felt walking into tribal wearing the immunity necklace and she babbles some gibberish about it being a once in a lifetime experience and hoping everyone gets to know what it’s like and you can basically see why Brooke wants to vote her out.
The challenge is for immunity and involves walking along things and going up a thing and then down a thing and throwing things into things etc. The Other warns the castaways that they “don’t want to be one of the four eliminated at the start” — he doesn’t elaborate, but there’s clearly a terrible punishment in store for them. Like being cast in his 2017 Tropfest entry.
Kylie is first to finish the first leg of the challenge, which involves laying bits of wood on a balance beam and then going back to the start because you stuffed up. Matt, Sue, Lee and Flick are the four kicked out after the first leg, and must now learn their lines for “The LaPaglia Code: An Erotic Thriller”. Also they have to go to Exile Beach, which is a beach where people get exiled. They’ll be away from camp and so won’t be able to lie to people about their intentions prior to tribal tonight.
The challenge continues with the remaining six, who crawl with gusto along ropes with bits of wood on them. Unfortunately the three who win and go through to the final leg are Brooke, El and Jennah Louise. They must now use poles to poke balls into baskets, the most inefficient and dumb-looking way of putting balls in baskets ever invented.
Dramatic music plays as the challenge builds and builds to a crescendo of not-very-powerful tension, given that who cares who gets immunity among these three. In the end JL wins, which is slightly surprising because she’s clearly very bad at it, but that’s the way Survivor is sometimes: grossly unfair. “You’re guaranteed a one in nine shot at winning this game,” says The Other, trying to make that sound impressive.
Meanwhile on Exile Beach a sign informs the four losers that there’s a hidden immunity idol somewhere there. Flick tells everyone that she doesn’t think having an immunity idol is a good idea. Because the other three are extremely dim, they all do what Flick says even though they know she’s in an alliance trying to pick them off one by one. Matt agrees with Flick that the idol makes you a target. He is fully aware that he is already a target, but for some reason this logic makes sense to him.
Back at the main camp, the chicken remains suspicious of the castaways’ motives. This is the most interesting thing happening there.
There is much prolonged and excruciating talk about how Kylie has to be voted out. El feels bad for Kylie. Brooke tells her to switch off her emotions. El doesn’t realise that Brooke means this literally: she has a lever on her side that deactivates her feelings board.
Then there’s a bunch more talk about blah blah blah, vote out Sue, Kylie is oblivious, anything can happen but we know it won’t. “Something bizarre could really happen,” says Kristie, after the cameraman tells her he has orders to make her say this. One thing is certain: something bizarre is definitely not going to happen.
At tribal council, Nick is there, as the first member of the jury. He is clean-shaven and well-groomed and looks like the lead singer of Soft Cell. LaPaglia notes how “in the ultimate twist of this game”, the people voted out from now on join the jury and vote on the winner. How this, the basic premise that has occurred in every season of Survivor ever made, can qualify as “the ultimate twist”, is not explained.
The Other asks Flick about Nick’s true claim that she, Brooke and El are pulling everyone’s strings. Brooke replies by lying. The Other points out that she is lying. Brooke responds by lying a bit more. The Other asks Matt about his depressing situation. Matt responds depressingly. The Other asks Sue about something or other. Sue replies with something too dull to listen to. El tells The Other that she is very sensitive to people’s feelings, so it’s admirable that she manages to ignore this sensitivity when making any decision whatsoever. The Other asks Kylie why she’s nodding her head. Kylie doesn’t really know, she went completely mad four weeks ago.
Time to vote. Which everyone does. On paper and so forth. Sue and Kylie vote for each other, as if that even matters. As The Other reads the votes, they alternate between Sue and Kylie, back and forth, 3–2, 3–3, 4–3, 5–3….it’d be very suspenseful if there were anyone on earth who gave two shits about either of these people staying or going.
In the end it’s Kylie, so her plan of sitting in the sea washing her hair and saying, “Anything can happen!” has not paid off as she had hoped.
Tune in tomorrow when there’s mud or something.
The greatest reality show of all is history, and my recap is here, in Error Australis. Buy it now!
